So this one time my doctor found a lump in my breast and after my mammogram and breast ultrasound the radiologist’s office stamped my credit card receipt with a stamp that said “Have a nice day!” (I was fine, by the way.) I sure as shit hope they have other stamps. “Hey. It’ll be okay.“ or “Sorry about that, life sucks sometimes.” Stupid radiologists.

So this one time I was taking a field sobriety test (long story. I wasn’t driving, but a group of us were parked on the side of the road and since no one would admit who was driving originally SOMEONE who passed a field sobriety test had to drive so they gave us all tests. I guess that wasn’t too long of a story, actually.) Anyway, while I was taking the test a june bug flew in the cop’s eye and he never ended up finishing the tests after that. And that’s how I got to drive everyone home. I ran over the curb on the way out.

So this one time I showed up for a college class I’d been skipping and realized there was an exam and I HADN’T BEEN TO THAT CLASS SINCE THE LAST EXAM. I eavesdropped on a study group- they were discussing the five possible essay questions the teacher had given out and they covered two of the questions while I  furiously wrote notes. When I got the test it was one of the questions that group had discussed. I made a B.