Summerset

As I used to say to Lucas about the passage of time: after having kids it sure is just one quick sprint to the grave!

And sure, that’s a little on the nose (what am I, the Oracle of Delphi up in this bitch?!), but I MEANT it to convey how time seems to speed up and you blink and then you turn around and the kids are grown and so are you. So… yeah.

So summer came and summer has now almost gone, too. I registered my younger two for school this week- and that was late to do it. We had my oldest’s 20th birthday yesterday- which means my own birthday is a mere ten days away now… and I booked flights again for us to go to New York where the girls will head out for their sleep away grief camp- so this next week is gonna be chock full of school shopping and prep for that and much packing of bags.

I was still in such a weird headspace last year while they were at camp and I was in New York- so alone out in the big world still, even while surrounded by people I knew and loved. And then I learned on that trip that my work got acquired, and I didn’t have the option for things to stay the same, even if I had wanted them to… it was a weird feel to it all.

So I do wonder what this year holds, but I DO know it will be different. Nothing stays the same. The center cannot hold, ever. But also things move and change and get better and layer in, you know? I am excited to experience it and do it with some new eyes like I have this year.

Jumping from thing to thing- I also have my wedding rings off at the jeweler right now, but I should have them back before I have to fly out on the trip. I had them resized a few months ago as I decided to move them to my right hand ring finger (felt right) and they told me the prongs holding the central stone (an emerald) needed to be replaced. I didn’t do it at the time, but the other day I kept having dreams that the prongs broke and I lost the stone in my ring… and so when I woke up I took them off immediately and then dropped it off at the jewelers to have the prongs replaced later that same day. I wasn’t gonna fuck around, you know?

I guess some people take their rings off pretty quickly in grief, but to me it feels right to still wear mine, just differently now, so I’m getting them fixed so I can continue to safely wear them every day. I don’t expect that to change (the wearing bit), but then I have not expected many things that ended up happening, so who knows. I still tend to not make too many assumptions about the future… I figure I’ll just roll and adjust when needed.

I have finally adjusted to having the ring on the right hand- boy did THAT feel weird for the first few weeks! But at least I’ve gotten enough sun to even out the skin-tone on the left hand. The rings left a hell of a white tan line after 23 years of constantly wearing ’em.

Ghosts of the past abound everywhere.

But I got enough sun that now it’s just the divot in the skin, and not a tan line AND divot. Guess it’s like a deer path through a field at this point. The grass regrows and yet you can still see it. My marriage is still etched into my skin and bone. That feels poetic and appropriate, so I don’t mind.

Speaking of sun… we did go to the beach.

Now the beach was my husband’s PLACE- we always drove a few extra hours to go to the one he grew up going to, not the one closest to our town and this was and is always the best choice. It’s a MUCH better beach down at the bottom end of South Padre Island than out in Port Aransas or (shudder) Corpus Christi.

This is where Lucas and I went every year we were together, sometimes multiple times. This was were we took the kids. This is where we scattered his ashes. This was also where I couldn’t bring myself to go back to since he died until now.

I have the energy for it again though, I found. I booked a place on the beach, and if it was small and a bit tight it still served us just fine. It wasn’t the nicest or most glamourous… but it also cost less than $1,000 for 4 days with direct, on the beach access, so I count that as a win. I packed up the car, I figured out meals, I took all 3 of my girls and my cousin’s 2 girls from New York, and I brought lots of sunscreen. I had a lot of faith that if I had forgotten something that I would figure it out on the fly and I did.

And so we loaded up and I drove the 5 hours to the beach and we had a glorious time!

I felt like I was my husband’s proxy. I had done all of this enough with him to have learned from the best over the years- and so I made sure we checked all the boxes on the things he loved and that he showed us how to do and introduced into our lives.

I felt so, so capable and then actually WAS. It felt like honoring him to do all of this well, and not let it fade from our lives.

The children were all so good and grateful and had fun. And I’d see them all running around or cheering each other on when one or the other caught a fish on the pier at night or on the boat… and just went “wow, the kids really will be alright”. The human heart’s ability to accept some of the deepest trauma possible and then be able to smile and laugh again… what a wondrous thing to witness and feel.

The kids are gonna be alright.

That was worth the cost of admission right there. But on top of that, and while I know it sounds exhausting… it wasn’t! It was tiring, don’t get me wrong, but it was such a wonderful trip. We all had so much fun, me included, and I came back so rejuvenated and enlivened… and like I understood all of this *gestures around* better. And I legitimately don’t know how to describe it more fully than this: It will all be okay. This is how we honor those we love. The heart can take it and that’s what it is designed for.

I only had one kinda sad moment, walking down the long, long fishing pier close to midnight. And sure, late night and being tired will do that to a griever- ya gotta watch it- but I just had a spike to the heart of: “he would have loved this.” Lucas would have loved to be doing what we were doing right then. The chatter of people all around, smell of the shrimp bait, the sound of the traffic over the causeway, the buzz and movement of other fisherman reeling in catches, the way the lights lit up the ocean, and the old wooden boards of the pier itself… he would have loved it, all of it, and he doesn’t get to experience it again, at least not in this concrete and physical way we were doing. It made me sad but I also was able to hold it, it wasn’t as crushing at that kind of thing used to be. And then I just kinda tucked that feeling into my pocket and went back to all the girls who were busy baiting their own hooks and pulling up channel catfish and making memories… and it was good.

(And I solved the issue of the chairs I mentioned in the last post by only taking 3 and renting 3 other ones down there- future me ended up solving it just like past me knew she would!)

As soon as I got back (I’m talking next day) I had to go to Indiana for a work trip… so that was not ideal timing, but look at me and pulling that off too!

I find it funny because I associate with memes like this and then I realize… oh wait. I’m in the C-suite now. I AM the authority!

I sat in conference rooms and worked on strategy, and onboarded new teammates and I actually do really like my boss and it was good.

It was obvious someone at my hotel was fighting the power- because putting the strawberry compote right next to the salsa like that was a choice. I hope they were humming Beastie Boys while they were doing it.

I approve. Fight the good fight out there, hotel worker!

Before all this, earlier in the summer, we have just been at home. But we’ve been doing stuff too.

There were crafts:

These jellyfish lights made with fairly lights and ribbon and tops of plastic wine glasses honestly turned out awesome.

And in spite of the heat we had a number of fires in the backyard and roasted marshmallows a few times too. I taught my youngest how to make a fire last month, so add that to the list of skills I insist they all learn.

And we watched many a good sunset.

The kittens are totally teenagers now too, regardless of how recently they were tiny.

Let’s see… what else.

My friend was doing a consultation with a tattoo artist and needed to know the shape of the edges of moonflower petals to ensure they were doing it right and I was able to help!

I went out to the moonflower vine and was able to send pics within 2 minutes.

And speaking of tattoos… I got another one after we got back from the beach.

Its a symbol of a triple hare off of a 16th century Irish church: symbolizing the normal Christian trinity thing- but also past present and future, land earth and water, land of the spirits/ land we’re in/ and land of the ancestors.. etc etc.

A few months back I also (see I don’t tell y’all everything) had a spiritual hallucinogenic quasi-Comanche ceremony thing and know the jackrabbit is my spirit animal now and so… new tattoo meaning in that, too. And I know you’re like: FUCKING PARDON?! And it was a whole mind blowing thing but I don’t think I’ll be talking about that one, so sorry to be a tease like that. Just take my word for it that there is a multitude of meanings to this tattoo all wrapped up together.

I love it.

It’s ringed with thyme, rosemary, basil, and blackberry leaves and it’s already healed a bare week after getting it- so no horror story like the snake tattoo getting infected and going sideways on the healing on this one!

And as if that wasn’t enough… (I’m even, hand to god, leaving stuff out) having my other bathroom remodeled right now.

Demolition is mostly done and the room is an empty shell with big holes in the floor as I type this. The clawfoot tub is no more. And I KNOW some of you will be like “HOW COULD YOU” about that… but I say YOU clean UNDER a goddamn tub for 12 years and then lets talk.

I want a shower that actually works and to not have to struggle to clean under a cast iron tub that my head has rung like a bell on NUMEROUS occasions. So I’ll have another tub and shower put in (and new floors. And new tile.) like I did in my bathroom last year and good news! I trust this contractor way more than the last few. So I’ll keep y’all posted on how that progresses.

I have all the old fixtures on the back deck currently while I work to get rid of them.

The tub seems excited to be out in the sun and off on the next adventure, no? Also they must have painted it when it was installed- because 3 of the 4 sides were rough as hell.

And so… that’s it for now! I leave you with some memes and poems and pics… as I’m known to do.