I try to go through my days looking for snippets of joy and try to maintain a peaceful and grateful heart, just so you know. Even with a few things I’ll mention here, and *gestures around* all the rest… just know I’m still trying.
And so, to the meat of the story: I have covid! On my birthday! Yay me!
I am better today than yesterday, and maybe, MAYBE that can be attributed to this mixup when I woke up in the middle of the night.
All I can say is those bottles shouldn’t be that similar, and I was two pumps in before I realized my mistake. My throat DOES feel better though, so maybe detangling solution is the secret to curing that sore throat that this latest version of covid is giving folks. So that happened last night.
And yesterday I called out of work, all the kids were off with friends, and I was reading in bed by myself. Kinda miserable but making it through okay, when I felt my cat jump on the bed and run up me. So I lifted the book to see under it just in time TO SEE THE DEAD MOUSE HE BROUGHT ME GET DROPPED ON MY CHEST!!! ON. MY. CHEST.
The cat, I’m sure, thinks he cured covid considering how quickly I jumped up and started running around.
I documented it for posterity as it seems like something that has to be made up, no?
Definitely not.
I got the mouse in a bag and trashed- with some difficulty as the cat was fighting me the whole time.
He was a bit high on murder, as you can clearly see.
I have now washed and bleached all the bedding twice. It was an experience I hope to never ever ever ever ever ever repeat.
In other news I was back at my highschool and watching my middle one’s colorguard performance this week, before I got sick. My highschool, August, and hot bleachers are not my favorite combination- the whole thing makes me want to run for the hills honestly.
The school pride. The moms in matching school tshirts. The whole fucking thing sets my teeth on edge but also I know thats fully on me- I don’t want my daughter to think I don’t love what she’s doing (I in fact DO love it for her!) and I don’t want my feelings to rub off on her! Have school pride! Do the thing! Have fun! Let it be an experience!
And yet I felt like my unhappiness was coming off of me in waves. We moved back to this town because my husband wanted to live here, not because I did… I never wanted to come back, honestly. I made him promise me that at least I wouldn’t die here- he agreed. And now here I am. Enmeshed. And with a support system I need. And yet… I also want to run and run and run and never look back- and do that while never leaving our house and our garden behind.
So here I stay. For now. Forever? Fuck if I know. But I do know it’s too soon to make any decisions around that. But there is unhappiness in my heart about it. And maybe that’s just normal, I’m not really sure.
In other news, I found a recording my youngest made of my husband and girls singing me the Cracker song “Happy Birthday to Me” on my last birthday. This is all I ever asked him for my birthday- and he sang it to me every year. And now here it is, beautifully recorded except her foot is in every frame for some reason! And now, he can still sing the only thing I ever asked for, even now. What a precious thing to have. I will be backing it up 8 ways to Sunday. It makes me happy. And makes me sad. And I think that’s legitimately how all happy things will be, from here on out. I have moved to acceptance about this. And that’s a big leap. To accept you’ll never be as happy as you were, before. I have gotten there though… it is what it is and I’ll meet it as such.
The blessing of having birthday covid is it wipes the expectations for the day away, at least. Silver lining or useful excuse… I’m not sure.
My children made me cards and bought me flowers, as did my friend. I’ve had many birthday calls and texts. My youngest made me earrings and a painting. My middle one got me a bath-bomb, lilies, and stayed up until 2am doing her favorite thing to do for birthdays- secretly clean the house after everyone has gone to bed. I heard her moving around but didn’t want to ruin the surprise. My oldest sent me a text as soon as she woke up (her band had a concert and EP release late last night) so she wasn’t up at the crack of dawn, which is totally fine. The love of these amazing kids, I can’t even put into words. I am thankful, so thankful, for them.
I’ve told them to go do something fun together, and send me pictures- so I can live vicariously through them today. They’re going to go out to dinner and go shopping here in a little while. Plus its just a screen-filled day over here, should they not get out. I can drag myself to fridge for my own gatorade, you know?
I have other good things to talk about I swear. But I’m running out of energy, even for just typing here. I’ll muscle through, to get through a bit more though.
My oldest finally did her graduation gift trip to New York City that my husband and I got for her. She stayed with my cousin and he, his girlfriend, and his daugter played tour guides and amazing, amazing hosts- she LOVED it. And, just as I hoped, it seems to have unlocked a wild passion for travel in her young heart. Go be a human in the world, young one! Travel travel travel… I love that for her. She took many pics of historic cemeteries while she was there to send me- which I love. And made a point to see Washington Crossing the Delaware at the Met since she knew her dad would have loved that too.
And I did the teacup appraisal thing last week too… but I’m getting tired. So that’ll have to wait for another time for me to tell you about that one.
I’ll leave you with this poem by Sarah DeMulder, as I thought it perfectly summed up early August to me and where I’m at:
Happy Birthday, to me. And to you.
the something garden 
I’m new to your blog, introduced by either Suzanne or Engie—my memory’s a bit hazy due to the fog of both COVID (which I caught at my dad’s celebration of life) and grief (he passed in April). Despite everything, discovering your blog feels like a breath of fresh air amidst it all. I’ve never felt so connected to someone else’s words before.
I feel you. Sending you a big hug. 😘❤️
Why thank you so much- I really and truly appreciate that!
It absolutely does not comfort me to know that my cat brings me “presents” because she wants to give me a treat, but somehow it also does comfort me. It means I am important to her, the murderous little jerk. So, yeah, I get bleaching the bedding. But I hope you also complimented her on a good kill.
I am so sorry to hear about all the Conflicting Feelings. But I’m also very impressed with how you write so clearly about all of it. We live where we live because my husband has a job here and I don’t know if I’d stay if something happened to him. But maybe I would because I have a support system and a job of my own and a house that is awash in him. But I don’t have kids and it would just be me. I was happy to read that you’re leaving yourself a bit more time before making any big decisions, but I hope any big decisions you do make will be done without the influence of detangling solution!
That mouse was the first thing he has ever caught- and there does exist a part of my brain that feels so, so loved by the little jerk- he put so much effort in to a gift! For my birthday! To make me feel better! I imagine him saying: “I made it myself!” As he dropped it on me- so I do appreciate it but please god don’t let it turn into a habit. Appreciate me less, cat.
And this, being my hometown the whole place feels very “mine”… I don’t know what to do, and so I won’t make a decision until I do. But I can’t imagine establishing in a new place without him either. Sigh. All decisions are hard, sometimes
Happy belated birthday — I am glad you’re here, and the occasion of your birth merits celebration even if you aren’t in a celebratory mood. I like your reframing of covid as a way to reshape the expectations of the day.
Beautiful poem.
Thank you, Suzanne. I appreciate that
Returning to a former hometown can be discombobulating, where the past and the present clash. Acceptance is healing and a great opener to looking at the positives.
Happy birthday!! Even with the Covid.
Very true- I appreciate that!
Yes, this is where you are for now. First–happy birthday, even though I know it’s really not. Second–get well soon. I had covid for the first time in July. It wasn’t so bad, I didn’t even realize I had it until my husband tested positive. Rest. Drink fluids.
Third–the cat/rat story made me laugh. And thank goodness for bleach. And your cat is just gorgeous and a good hunter. Last–absolutely no long-term decisions for at least a year. Your job is to take care of yourself, love your girls, and keep on, keeping on–and you do have a grateful heart and it shows and it will help to heal the deep wound, that will never completely heal, but will just enough for you to have a meaningful life.
That’s all there is for now. You’re doing fine. Remarkably well, I’d say.
Thank you- I snatched some happy moments with the girls, so there was some happiness sprinkled about. And Covid: today is better than yesterday, so here’s hoping that trend continues. And finally… agreed. I know my mind today is better than a month ago, and a month ago it was better than the month before… but I also know I am not firing on all cylinders yet either. No big decisions for a while and then a while longer, methinks.
I love you, your view of the world and your writing. You are doing great no matter how you feel, it is out there.
Thank you- I’ll take it!