It’s not.

It IS.

But I guess I just mean today is maybe the start of an upswing.

Narrator: “Newton’s Third Law CLEARLY states about upswings…”

Look. I know EVERYTHING being awful vs not is just a matter of perception and biases and viewpoints. And I’m just vehemently against such a negative viewpoint even in the hardest of moments… but like.

Fuck, y’all. Shit’s been hard and I know it is both fact and how I’m looking at it currently. So I’ve been indulging it for a while and I know that is a choice. I KNOW!

And the fun part is also knowing how long things will be hard for. And it’s been 5 months. Only.

And it hasn’t been a year yet.

And even when it is a year it won’t be over.

And it just… feels like It’s going to crush me to powder is all.

Am I looking too far ahead? That was the secret a couple of months ago- don’t look past today/your nose. I guess I need to get back to that. And to listening to music. And meditating. And prioritizing sleep. And not drinking too much beer. And reading a book before bed instead of my phone. I know. Oh. And also ensuring I’m not stretched thin.

I ain’t doing none of that these days and so it shouldn’t be a surprise things are hard.

Speaking of the stretched thin part:

Wanna see what my bathroom looks like?

Yeah. The only part that isn’t rotted and mildewed is that back wall- which, fun fact, is the exterior wall of the house and the reason that’s not rotted is because you can see sunlight through it and it was able to dry out I guess, thanks to the airflow. And yes- they GLUED TILE TO THE WOOD SIDING to make the two niches in the shower. So that’s fun to find out.

And actually as of right right now, I ALSO have a gaping 6’x6′ hole in the floor, as they need to replace everything everything. And I’ve already had one cat come up through it, though thankfully it was only Alabama, so that’s okay.

It’s weird though. It’s awful and disruptive and yet the worst part is pretending Lucas is still alive when the workers say stuff like:

• “Hope your husband doesn’t mind losing this big shower”
  • Trust me he’s fine with it.
• “Does your husband like the tile?”
  • For sure. (Also fuck you?)

And like- these are strangers in my home. I’m not gonna be like “Oh no, it’s just us poor bereft maidens now…”

But also… he’d always have let me pick the tile?

And I still talk about him in the present tense anyway… but it’s a weird dance to be doing.

Oh and the tubs I wanted are out of stock so I’m having to make due with a more modern tub. Dramatic sobbing after flinging self at a fainting couch.

So.

Been bursting into tears over the very minorest of inconveniences. Just so you know.

Anyway. Focus on the good, self! Or at least the bad that is funny!

Here was something of the latter persuasion.

Check those pillow dimensions before ordering, kids.

Yeah… I don’t think those are gonna work! It looks like my couch shrunk.

Maybe they’d be better on the chairs?

Too big! I can’t breathe! Get it off me!

The funny thing is I didn’t need new bed pillows but oh well. It’s the only place they don’t dwarf the furniture.

I’m still on the hunt for throw pillows that exude dopamine through their very fibers for the couch. Maybe Pottery Barn.

At least I can laugh about it.

I’m also not locking myself out of every single online account anymore… so that’s a thing that has improved.

Just like that!

Oh, and it looks like this one of a kind, Art Nouveau bronze figural lamp I got at an estate sale lifetimes ago for $115 will be worth over $4,000.

So that’s good. And the perpetual conversation Lucas and I had around such things plays out in my head now instead of out-loud. But at least it still plays out.

“You have an eye for stuff like that!”

“I know! That’s why I chose you!”

I think I’ll just keep saying it to myself/memory of him forever, shall I?

Oh and I got interviewed for a podcast about grief and staying connected to our lost loved ones after they pass. Look at me! A new thing and putting myself out there! Here’s how it happened.

I watched a documentary about staying connected with lost loved ones. Then realized the filmmaker had a podcast. Watched a couple of said podcasts. Emailed them last Saturday with an idea for an episode.

And that’s how I got interviewed for said podcast on Tuesday?

In the midst of things being really hard this week and tears springing to my eyes at damn near anything (I sobbed because a squirrel dropped a pecan on me this week. Does this properly convey the situation?). In spite of that I was able to make it through though the interview without crying, though I didn’t really feel on my game. I give myself a “C” on it. It was okay as it was just the pre-interview.

Except it wasn’t? We got to the end and he said he records these pre-interviews instead of taking notes and that footage was good enough to roll with and now… I’m attempting to not spiral out. At least I brushed my hair.

I get to look at the footage and approve it or not approve it, so at least there is that. I already emailed them and said that the part of the discussion we had about my children needs to be cut- as their lives are up to them to share or not- and the podcast folks agreed to that. Maybe a self evaluation of a “C” is good enough and to demand only perfection means nothing ever actually gets done. Besides, a “C” was certainly enough to get my degree from UT, so like… why not. “Things don’t need to be perfect to still be good” she tells herself. Also “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Also “done is better than perfect.”

Life is just… like that. I am just really trying to roll with it these days. And also, I’m trying so hard to just put stuff out there… continuing to reach for things and be open to them. I am trying and trying and trying and… trying.

And yes, I’ll share it when it comes out even though, in spite of the fact that I am living it, it all seems a bit woo-woo and I struggle with my own acceptance of that part of my life right now. That’s a me thing though, and I’m working on it. Also because I feel like I rambled and my messaging all just needed to be tightened up. Sigh. I’ll get over that part or die of embarrassment! That would be a very on brand way to go out, now that I think about it…

And at the end (after he told me this was the footage he’s rolling with) he asked me why I had agreed to the interview. And I said, you know- there were things that helped me early in my grief. And there were things that would have helped, if I’d found it earlier. And If this interview and our discussion today can help someone going through those rough early stages of grief… well then I want to be a part of that. And that, fundamentally, there are two ways to respond to terrible things. To be bitter that there was help you needed but didn’t get, or to become the thing you needed so it can be there for someone else. I said some ramble-y version of that.

Dude was probably like: “Self aggrandize much?! This is why I didn’t tell you earlier this was gonna be the real recording…”

But whatever.

It is true. And that’s probably just me being mean to me in my own head, anyway.

Maybe next week will be better and if not may I aim lower and just have a bathroom. And if not just let me do nice things for people from the floor.

Amen.