I had some long, wonderful conversations with my aunt, uncle, and brother this morning and now my french press is empty so I’ll have another one. This is a stellar idea and will result only in net positives.

This is, me thinks, par for my “chaos goblin” week. Death and destruction abounds…

Monday is my grief group- which is no longer helpful and a bored-me-brain is a casting-about-for-le-jokes-brain, so guess what happened?

The only guy in the group that day was sharing how he helped his friend move a bad ex-boyfriend out of her house. He goes fairly on and on about the details about how the ex would say mean things to her, etc. He ends his story by saying: “And I hope you all never let anyone treat you like that, even for a second.

…

…

…

Dead silence.

We’re all widows.

I finally say: “No, but that’s because they’re all DEAD, dude.”

(No shot at the dead husbands but in my defense… I thought it’d be funny.)

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Then everyone is talking about Christmas gifts and I say: “Well Lucas and my Mom were always the hardest to buy gifts for and so that’s something at least. Guess we’re all saving money this year, huh?”

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Then later the other young widow (a decade younger than me, I bet) is talking about how she’s been researching furiously in the Bible and how it really clearly lays out which widows should remarry and which shouldn’t.

I say: “What, do they look at our fucking teeth, or something?”

About a passage in THE BIBLE.

Meeting is held in a church- IE I am in a church when I say this. F-bomb included.

TO a person who turned to the bible with a question like that.

The security guard in the cerebellum is asleep at his desk up in here.

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The group facilitator ended the session prayer with “And God we ask you to help us say the things we need to say and not say the things we should not say…”

Wonder who that was towards?

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It’s been helpful, and now it isn’t, and it’s time for me to be hitting the ole dusty trail on the whole thing. Grief group served it’s purpose and all examples to the contrary I don’t want to force chaos where it isn’t helpful for other struggling people.

There are worse ways to exist. Better too, but there are definitely worse ones.

I’m totally leaning into it. Just know.

In other news Spotify wrapped in a horrible year hits a bit oddly.

It just is a hyper-weird way to mark the year.

And there is legitimately no possible way this was not just randomized because it certainly is NOT the August I remember and how do these two things combine to make you pick that as a name for that month?

Swing and a miss, Spotify.

Off to another topic.

I don’t have Christmas decorations up. My two oldest girls have Covid somehow (even though we all had it 3 months ago), it’s raining it’s ass off and is cold, but luckily you can do Christmas shopping from bed, so that’s something.

I’m getting a tree today come hell or high water, though. And putting stockings up. And mentally preparing for all my previous favorite things to be fraught and that really fucking sucks as there isn’t enough joy in my life as it is and now all the previous things that brought joy get stripped away too…

Ah. I see the coffee is taking effect.

And yet it’s all still stone cold fact.

Good god, is it all just so tiring. But I am not the one that gets to lie down to rest for a thousand years, so here I remain, solidly on two feet regardless of my wishes.

It is just the way of things.

It is just the way of things.