Look who’s still here, upright on the planet? Does sitting in bed count as upright, actually? I’m deciding yes.

So… how’d it go, you ask? Well. All things considered. Who are we to shirk the tasks we don’t want to do? I think it’s a lesson of a lifetime to walk forward with purpose towards somewhere you don’t want to go, but have to. To do it well when you don’t want to do it at all.

And so, if I have to do it, I’ll do it well- that’s all there is to it. Something like that. I procrastinate other things, mind you. But grief waits for no one, so May 19th came and we faced it.

I slept terribly the night before though. Sooo terribly. The body remembers in ways you wish it wouldn’t- so I only got 2 or 3 hours of sleep on Sunday night. I woke up tired on Monday but what of it, you know? But I am not used to it- lack of sleep. Blessedly I have always, even in grief, been able to sleep well- I am not used to being sleep deprived. It reminded me of the early days of being a parent… that deep tiredness.

In the morning we had breakfast at a restaurant in town and then changed shoes, packed up the backpack with water, a hammer, and the plaque and headed out to a state park outside of town. It’s on the river so we’ve kayaked through this park plenty of times, and taken the girls there, throughout their lives, to swim and hike- though it wasn’t our favorite place to camp.

We headed down the riverside trail and then kept going when we hit the park perimeter. And sure, this is Texas and that shit will get you shot normally… but this area is still owned by the state, just not part of the park. Why did I want to be outside of the realm of park ranger activity? Well…

You know what you get if you officially buy a memorial tree? A newly planted crepe myrtle overlooking a parking lot in the city park. You know what you get if you pick a tree, any tree, yourself? Whatever massive bald cypress tree feels right and one that isn’t next to a dumpster. This plan, I assure you- would thrill my husband as he kinda hated rules and spending money.

Also, this way it could be on the river- which it had to be, for him. We walked and walked, and the girls were the ones to pick the tree. They all knew it when they found it and it wasn’t just because there was a male cardinal perched on it when we walked up.

We’ll be able to find it walking or kayaking from the water. Ten feet upstream from it is a good swimming hole, downstream about 20 feet is a good fishing hole. Directly in front is a nice little riffle so the area is filled with the sound of moving water over the rocks.

There are worse places to leave parts of your heart.

The girls have decided what they want to do on Father’s Day is to come back to the tree and fish and swim. I’ll rent us some boats and we’ll kayak down to it… I know we can find it, so no worries there. It will be nice to get on the water again. It’s been over a year.

That night we made salmon for dinner, and went out for frozen yogurt, and watched a Dr. Who all together. We had plenty of laughs throughout the day, and there had been few tears, but I think my oldest knew it had been a hard one for me because as I turned in for the night she reminded me that this was the least important day of his life but it was a hard one for us and we just had to make it through it and we did. I appreciated the reminder. But my god did the day dampen the spirit, don’t let me pretend it didn’t.

It was some kind of goal to reach for, or walk towards, and then the fact that it isn’t over once you get there weighed on me. We did it! Now do it again and again and again! It was like that.

And even though both nights I turned in early, Monday night I also slept like crap. Asher was insistent on sleeping on me- which I allowed as the purring of a cat is good for the heart. And for the record I don’t think it was that that kept waking me up. I’d get up like there was a sound or something- hyper alert every time… but the cat and the dogs were still asleep. No one heard anything except me I guess… and I don’t think I was actually hearing anything. 1:29am. 2:45am. 3:50am. 5:10am. 6am. At least it worked to keep the dreams away?

The next morning I tiredly got the girls off to school and had coffee and lazed around (I’d taken off till the 22nd) and decided at 10am that nothing changes if nothing changes- the bleakness wasn’t going to drain itself- so I had to be the one to do it. Thus began the work towards getting back to a place of peace and not pain.

I got up, got dressed up, and headed out. I decided the only cure was to pack as many small joys into the days until I remembered that there is more here than sadness and loss. My heart was heavy, but I was resolved to not just sit there in it. Life is short… don’t waste the days. This all, I knew, my husband would agree with. Sadness doesn’t honor him the way joy does, so I was off to find some joy.

Did that lead first to an estate sale? Maybe.

I found some rings for my older girls. I bought nothing for myself but the lady threw in a pair of jade stud earrings for free. Which… that never happens. My favorite color too. It was the start of lots of kindness thrown my way from stangers, which… thank ya, Universe. It did help.

Then I realized I was on the right side of town to stop and have my favorite taco.

The cheese crust on a la costra is literally to die for. Also, I’m well served by being a salesman for so long as I have well over a decade of experience eating in restaurants by myself… it doesn’t phase me. Life lessons over the years coming in clutch in grief, you know?

I made another stop. I bought overly expensive shoes. An overly expensive dress. The shoe saleswoman was annoying but the one for the dress was so delightful, and I don’t use that phrase lightly. I took a drive by a historic cemetery on the way home.

I got the girls taken care of after school and had dinner all together and then went out and had a cocktail and enjoyed it outside and didn’t get too sweaty. The bartender gave me a cocktail and a half because he didn’t have enough strawberry syrup for a full 2nd one, so that was cool too and he was very talkative while making it for me. Wait. Was I getting hit on? I’m seeing this interaction and how nice and talkative he was being with slightly new eyes from 6 days farther out… if so, sorry dude. You’re barking up the wrong hot widow tree.

Cocktail was stellar though. Back home after the one (and a half) cocktail I had a fire in the backyard and watched the sun go down and the stars come out.

After that I took a blazingly hot bath, this time with magnesium salts, and resolved that if I couldn’t get a good nights sleep tonight that I’d have to be institutionalized tomorrow… but I slept like the absolute dead. Deep, deep uninterrupted sleep. Thank. Fucking. God.

The next day (so Wednesday, for those counting up on their hands) I made coffee, made everyone egg sandwiches with barbacoa, and walked my youngest to school. It was cool and breezy. I had a massage appointment right afterwards and got the absolute shit beaten out of me for an hour. I needed it and anything is worth getting rid of the tightness in my calves and shoulders.

When I got home I checked my list (an actual list on my phone) of the things that help when I’m in grief and was reminded that getting outside and accomplishing things and exerting myself physically was on the list of things that helped. So I changed the outline of a garden bed and reset some plants and moved a ton of rocks, and basically have a new section of lawn now, instead of an always too big bed to grub a ton of bermuda grass out of. Is it the best looking lawn I have right now? uh… yeah. Just immediately, too. Afterwards I mowed the grass and edged.

I enjoyed the work and enjoyed the time in the backyard. It’s work to maintain it, but it’s easy to want to do it- if that makes sense. The garden brings me a lot of joy.

The comfreyI’d planted the month before was looking awesome that day too.

Love this stuff.

I took a suuuuper cold shower to clean up, ate a late lunch, and then something snapped and I went: oh! There I am, I’m back!

All it took was $435 and 30 hours of concerted effort on myself to come back to baseline again. I still am pretty sure that is getting off easy, all things considered. But I worked to get there, mind you. Clawed even.

But my love will NOT bring me pain, it god damn won’t. I won’t allow it, but I don’t get there by tamping it down or ignoring it. I just… integrate it. Something like this:

So it was like that.

And the world is beautiful in equal measures to seeing it as that. The joy is out there- it’s just a matter of recognizing it.

It’s like that.

I knew I could get through and I did. I knew it’d be hard and it was. Did my eye eczema come back because I’d been crying again? Yes it did. So they hurt but I can still see through them… there is a lesson there, maybe, should I care to dig into it.

In the days leading up to the anniversary I had lots of people checking in. Cousin, brother, aunts, friends, even the people we buy soap from at the farmers market. Lots of others. My aunt sent us beautiful tulips.

My friend sent me a gorgeous arrangement of pink and orange roses.

And I may have healed fairly solitarily in the days after the anniversary but I didn’t do it alone, if that makes sense. And now here we are. The other side again.

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The weekend before the anniversary I drove the kitten my brother adopted a couple of hours out of town to meet him at the halfway point between his city and mine. His plan originally was to drive all the way in and get the kitten himself- but he’s getting a hip replacement next week and his pain has really been spiking for the past month. For sure I was willing to to take a cute little guy and drive on a beautiful summer day and meet at the Antique Rose Emporium in Brehnam, TX to hand him off. For sure.

You can tell from my face how heavily the days ahead weighed, though. But damn this kitten is cute. He’s a good boy too. They’ve named him French Fry- having planned to call him Fry… but he’s Frenchie most of the time. I like it.

After the handoff and a peruse around the garden center (and with the gift of a cigar plant my brother got me in thanks for meeting him) I hit the road again back home, with 2 hours ahead of me. I appreciated the opportunity for this, driving is when so many things trickle up from the subconscious, at least for me.

It doesn’t convey, but god there is just something about Texas back roads and a wide open sky. And the thought that bubbled up was this:

When you give yourself so fully to someone, you don’t get it all back when they’re gone. But that also means some of them remains with you when they’re gone, too.

The most original thought? No. But I’ll take it, you know?

And hang onto it in the year ahead.