I am just back from Houston, where I was helping my brother after his hip replacement surgery from Tuesday to Saturday. He’s only 47, but since he was a teenager he’s had one hip with substantially less cartilage than the other, and that gave up the ghost about 7 months ago.
People are weird about surgery though- he and I talked about it at 4:30-fucking-AM on the way to the hospital to check in. He’s had many people who kept it hush hush as they didn’t know if he wanted people to know about it. His take is “why would I care?” And I told him I was glad thats how he felt because I’ve told everyone what his surgery was as it never occurred to me I maybe shouldn’t. Are people, like… ashamed of surgery? We were both just baffled. Still are.
He’s doing fine by the way. Surgery went great. He even insisted on doing the dishes once while I was there.
Did I take any pictures of him like… thumbs up after surgery or something? No. Judging by my camera roll I was on a solo trip and there was a cat.
That is, left to right: His kitten, French Fry. A huge aloe at a Mexican restaurant where I got us breakfast tacos. The plants I bought when I got out briefly to a nursery. And some detangler his daughter uses that I liked and wanted to google later.
He’s fine. Swear to god.
It was weird though. I am reminded how pushing it or not sleeping well affects my grief. Like… grief’s always still there. It came out driving to get lunch one day. And a few moments in the evenings. It’s okay, in its way… and I do understand this new way of things. But man did I not appreciate enough the days when I was capable of burning the candle at both ends and not having it crash the system- I just accepted it as the natural way of things.
Maybe I am glad that capacity is gone, though. I don’t think we are supposed to live so cut off from what our soul needs. Mine needs peace and space is all. And it’s okay when there are times I can’t give it those things and it all comes leaking out my eyes because of it. My inner monologue is sweet in those times though… “Ahhh, Honey, lets go buy you some plants and throw a purring kitten at it, okay?” And then I do both and it does, in fact, help.
Over the five days I’m out there my brother tells me repeatedly how much he appreciates me helping and I tell him I’m happy to do it- and I am. And also, harder to explain, is that it’s nice to be the one helping someone else again. I like helping. And it’s okay that for a long while there I wasn’t capable of anything but being on the receiving end of help, and so it feels like a new chapter to be able to offer it instead of just accept it. “A new chapter” a phrase I gnashed my teeth at in July. Rail, rail at the turning of the page… and yet here I am in June using it of my own volition.
Many things feel new.
In other news, the day I got back in town I went and got my tea leaves read. The lady I buy my herbal tea blends from was doing it and I went so I could support her. What did my tea leaves say, you ask?
There has been lots of recent activity in my life over the past days and weeks, and the only future is far off and nebulous. There is nothing in the middle- indicating a need for a prolonged period of rest.
Now does it surprise you-after what I wrote seconds ago about knowing I need rest- that I tell you I had the urge to throw that teacup as fucking hard as I could at the wall? You know me and teacups though. I set it down gently.
I am resting! I know I need rest and I am doing it! I know that is what this period of my life requires! I know my mental and emotional and physical health requires it and didn’t even have to be told that! I tell myself this! Books say this! Tarot has told me the same! And now tea leaves too…
And all, I fucking mean ALL, I want is for someone to tell me when the resting will be done.
Is it over only when I learn what I need from it? Or is that fundamentally the wrong way of looking at it? What is this period of my life? How long does it last? And I swear to GOD I am being good about it… and know I need it… and yet I’m so, incredibly ready to throw it out the window. Sigh. I guess that’s why I’m still in this phase. Why I choose to be in this phase, even! Maybe I can accept my need for rest and peace more when it’s my own choice and just not when I’m told to do it.
Oh and also I so desperately long for the future to be less nebulous again.
So not asking for much over here, don’t I know it.
The fact, that I’ve ALWAYS needed rest and that the future has always been nebulous, comforts me, oscillating, between lots and not at all.
But the truth is I DO know what the future holds. I know it. There will never be a time before this all happened, again.
Time is cyclical but not in the only way I wish it was.
I guess it’s a different nebulous future I’m looking for, but won’t find.
There are still joys though.
And it is nice to be home.
the something garden 
I laughed so hard when you shared what was on your camera roll—yours and mine look a lot alike. And yes, grief is always still there. I’ve had absolutely no motivation to do anything lately. Last night, my daughter forced me to go into the backyard. THE BACKYARD. I touched my trees, grounded myself in the grass, and we sat out there talking for an hour. I do believe grief is to blame for my lack of oomph.
I’m intrigued by the tea reading.
And that kitty paw wrapped around your arm—💜
I gardened and gardened and gardened yesterday evening and this evening- then sat outside to burn some of the branches I trimmed in the fire pit. It seemed to help, but I guess how I feel tomorrow would be the real test. It’s a simple strategy of sweat and outside time and a fire in the dark and looking at stars and the moon and it really does help… but sheesh do I rebel against it sometimes. It just… takes energy to get energy, annoying as that is. And I’m so jealous of folks who can sit in the grass… we have fire ants here so I’m always so loathe to try it…
I’ll sit in the grass tomorrow for you. It’s raining here today and tonight.
Some people who say I don’t care probably mean but there are a lot of people who don’t want people to know their business. I sometimes share things I shouldn’t be.
btw,, Like your blog . i have a cat too.