I wonder in August why I live in Texas, but December makes it obvious- weather be glorious up in this bitch.

I have flowers and kale going strong in the back- including some late season roses. I literally have Christmas roses right now, lookie there. They bloom prettily in the glow off the Christmas lights at night. Incandescent, mind you. I am having to buy replacement C9 incandescents on Ebay these days… and there will come a day where I can’t anymore. Just like everything else I hang on well past the end of things… I guess tis just in my nature?

Whatever. If Christmas isn’t the time for it then I don’t know when is.

And inside we also still have some incandescent lights. Is the tree a little wonky due to the trunk being all twisted? Well sure. But we made it work, and my does this trees corpse bring me joy. I do now know why Lucas always checked the trunk before buying a tree though. File it away.

I really am fine though. The season is still okay.

It really is. The cookie party was festive. I love seeing the lights on my nightly walks. I like the tree and stockings and Christmas lights… and sure. I left much Christmas decor in the box. And I didn’t set up the lights in the backyard. And almost no cards were sent… but it’s okay. A drawn in a bit Christmas is still Christmas. I’m not all bah humbug or anything.

But being a solo parent at Christmas is hard. There is no dividing and conquering. There is just… much to do. And only one person to do it.

Also- I get quite unpleasant to talk to when someone calls me a single parent. First off- go fuck yourself. I didn’t make a poor choice and now get child support payments and the kids go to the other parents house every other weekend. That’s a dick thing to say, I know. But grief over divorce and grief over death are not the same. And I was on a video call when my least favorite coworker said to me that “single moms get it, right?”

I turned off my camera and walked outside.

We are not the same.

My god. My absolute fucking god sometimes.

Anyway. I don’t do the pronoun thing (which as masculine as I dress should totally be a thing) but I do feel very strongly as identifying as a solo and not single parent.

I guess it’s similar to what Lucas would feel when people said they could sympathize with him having cluster headaches because they had migraines. And yes, in a way… similar. Head pain. Can’t function with them. Awful. Can be life destroying. And yet… not even fucking close, honestly.

But people try to empathize… and also their own pain is valid and do we really have to prove we have it worse or is that weirdly competing in the pain Olympics and going for the gold? I don’t know.

Maybe I’m just a dick.

That seems likely and reinforced by the majority of history.

---

But in Victorian flower language holly berries symbolize joy in the face of adversity and cedar symbolizes strength in hardship and I can see now how Christmas has always had that tinge of sadness or burden to it and yet it doesn’t diminish the beauty.

It will be okay.

---

Spotify wrapped can get fucking bent, though. The in your face reminder of the past year in music form doesn’t always speak to the most stable of mental healths.

---

We did not make it down to my husband’s ancestors graves yet, though we have plans to go down to the valley after Christmas and will tend graves then. I need to go inspect Lucas’s plaque on the tree and make sure it’s still there ahead of his birthday as the girls want to hike out to it. I need to tend my own ancestors graves in Castroville. Perhaps today. Perhaps today is a good driving around day for such things.

I am also visiting the living, in and amongst all this grave and memorial tending, mind you. And allllll the present buying and decorating and regular laundry and cooking responsibilities.

That also is a thing that is happening.

---

Anyway.

In other news I am kicking around the idea of doing a post on tarot cards, as I do a pull a card for each month for a spread on the coming year- and last year’s was crazy accurate, honestly. (Coffin card in summer, anyone?)

But I don’t much feel up for it today.

I pulled a quick spread earlier on what I leave in the past and what is coming up for me in the future.

And death was in the past- so you’d think good, right? But no. that means change.

And the hermit card was in the future- and that means introspection and solitude.

And so if I’m alone thinking deep thoughts but it doesn’t result in any kind of transformation… I can’t say that much appeals to me.

I mean sure- it totally aligns with my CHOICES and actions and decision making. And yet…

Anyway. If it’s just a Rorschach test and you see what you see in the cards… that also tells me something.

Be careful pulling cards and reading too much into them when you’re feeling off. (BUT IM ALSO FINE THOUGH)

I file the lesson away.

---

Guess I’m off to visit some graves, why not. Perhaps this will get me out of my funk. (l’aware, rest assured)

I leave you with the memes of the week or so:

Catch ya next time.