I always weigh myself while brushing my teeth. Toothbrushes weigh a conveniently varying amount.

Babies don’t appreciate naps as much as they should, the unappreciative leeches.

About once a week my cat plays Gage and recreates that scene from Pet Cemetery if I walk past his empty food bowl one to many times. Ow, my god damn achilles tendon, cat!

I’d so much rather have indoor spiders than whatever bugs it is they’re surviving off of.