The thought of writing a catch up from November through now is overwhelming and paralyzing me into not writing at all. To shake that off I shall simply share with you a smattering of things I’ve said recently to give a snapshot.

“Huh, where does your Corgi get her bikini waxes? They do amazing work.”– said to my husband because the dog has licked herself bald due to a flea allergy. Turns out Bravecto flea treatment shouldn’t be used with dogs who are allergic to them because it only works if the fleas bite said dog. Sooo… yeah. Could have told me that BEFORE I had to look at the bald dog vagina, Bravecto.

“Nothing has made me feel more middle aged than buying my 4th and 5th bird feeders and being pissed at the starlings.” Pretty goddamn self explanatory.

“Did someone just try to commission you to paint a classy horse dick?” Texted to my friend who is an artist after she forwarded a commission request. And yes. The answer was yes.

Do I want to quit my job or just get bangs?” I got the bangs

“Guess estate sales don’t know the 1960s Fendi logo”– bought a vintage Fendi umbrella with a bakelite handle for $6. Why the hell I know what that logo looks like I have no idea- I dress in t-shirts and jeans 24/7.

“Earlier today I was full of panic, but at least now I’m full of panic AND cheese enchiladas.” Day jobs can be the worst sometimes.

“All these out of office replies make me want to punch puppies.”– text to my marketing coordinator when she sent an email with auto-replies going to my email. It went to multiple thousands of people. Right after Christmas. RIP inbox.

“I shall conveniently catch Covid.”my failsafe plan devised to get out of doing an extended family photoshoot in pajamas that my mother-in-law is planning for next year. I have judged each and every one of you who have ever done one of those and I shall not partake.

How do you spell the word that sounds like “chweck?” I’m trying to describe Alabama and how he walks after the back injury.” Text to my husband about our cat. It’s spelled “chuek.” Chuek means: “crooked/screwed up” The cat is mostly fine, but still a little chuek.

“I love you, most likely it is a false alarm, but if not you stay safe, get the fuck out, and come back to me. If you need to break a window use something pointed and then throw your jacket over the broken glass before climbing out the window.” Exact text message to my 16 year old when she texted me there was another active shooter alarm at her school and she was stuck in an upstairs classroom with windows that can’t open. (It was a false alarm, thank fucking god) 0 of 10, would not America again.

It’s been a busy few weeks. months… here’s to blogging more regularly moving forward.