I am just back from Mexico this week, where I went to look at a house I was considering buying.

I did not buy the house.

I spent 2 days by myself and then (thankfully) met up with my friends who came up from Belize.

Solo travel is, I think, for the birds. To be able to share experiences with someone is the fucking point of it all, is all. On my own I felt lost and overwhelmed and sad and stupid, the majority of the time, to be doing any of this.

And yet… there was so much I learned from the uncomfortableness of it, those first days, that it too had value. Or I took value. Made value?

I am kinda still processing.

This was my first hotel. Surprisingly the bed was comfortable, but I had nightmares of my husband telling me tearfully he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I slept through the night, but god did I awake to a mood after that dream.

I went to sleep beating myself up for forgetting my phone charger cord. And I ate a clif bar for dinner as I was still getting over being sick and wasn’t hungry. And also I had not gotten pesos before I checked in, and the parking situation was awful… and the closest place to eat was four blocks away and I didn’t want to walk it at night. I was not hungry anyway. I didn’t even finish the clif bar.

So I was creating lists and telling myself: “must get pesos, must get phone cord, must get food. That order. Don’t forget that order.” Over and over as I fell asleep. And also before I got up that first morning.

Took a cold shower. And found my phone cord when I was packing up. So, I charged my phone before I left the shitty little hotel. All my lists… poof. I wasn’t as thankful as I should have been. It was almost a miracle as my phone was almost dead.

I then went to eat and I ate 2 of the 3 tacos and couldn’t finish the rest. I had orange juice to drink as it was the only thing I could remember the name of in the moment. I don’t really recommend the pairing.

I had misplaced that mental list I’d been making and forgot I didn’t have pesos yet. Sigh.

The waitress took my $20 USD bill and let me grossly overpay for a meal. But I was fed, so there is that.

I felt feverish and weird. There were no parking lots nor street parking. It was loud and bright and big and overwhelming. My nervous system was very, very close to burning out.

I drove to the north of the city where things spaced out a little. I found a parking lot where I could stop and just breathe for a second. I talked to my brother on Whatsapp and he was such a voice of calm and reason and the perfect choice for this call and he talked me off of the cliff.

I calmed down. Then I found a bank and got pesos. Then (at about 2pm) I found some street parking and a restaurant.

I had a beer. I had some soup. The old waiter told me I was muy bonita. Inside my head I knew I was just a weird little creature driving a meat suit and was feeling very, very out of sorts and out of place. I didn’t know how to say that in Spanish though, so I just said gracias.

Let me be clear I came a bit back to normalcy after the soup and beer though.

God bless soup.

And god bless beer, while we’re at it.

Both will save your life, I believe. Just in different ways. I thought SO many things while I sat and ate.

I love this picture. It looks kinda badass, no? Look at me! Doing the thing, and alone in a whole different country! I am both proud and think it looks cool and yet I can remember how miserable I was in the moment.

I knew, right then, that I couldn’t do this. That it was too much and I was so incredibly overwhelmed and I actually couldn’t recall why I had wanted this at all before. I was kinda baffled, at myself.

it was like this and I had to laugh at myself. And then I realized that was the first time I’d laughed in over a day (more?) and I think the humor was coming back to me.

I also, just so you know, was kind to myself. I just went… oh you poor thing. You thought your mind was back, but it isn’t fully yet. And that’s okay. And it’s okay that this isn’t for you when you thought it was. And honey, do you even know who’s dreams these are? Are you even chasing your own dreams? Do you even know what those are?

(This was all a mental conversation with myself over the beer and the soup, mind you.)

And then I realized… no. I don’t know what my own dreams are. Not yet. I so desperately WANT to have big dreams again though, so much that I flew all the way down there to maybe buy a house because I need a big goal or dream to chase after… because I need some purpose to existence. Some purpose to my days or what, pray tell, is the fucking point of it all?!

And then I realized that I’d tried to shoehorn one in, because I just wanted *something* to mean something again and have something to strive for or reach for or want, again.

It was VERY good soup.

I did not fall into hopelessness at this realization that the dream of owning a house and living in Mexico wasn’t right. (and for the record I had SO much research into the town and how to buy property as a US citizen and all that in under my belt. THAT part was well thought out.)

It would have been EASY to go: I tried to dream once, it didn’t work out. I will cross my arms and refuse to dream again.

I did not do that.

I did the harder thing and just decided to hope that one day I would have a big dream again.

I get the Pandora’s Box myth, now. Why hope was in the box with the terrible things. It is the worst.

As I finished the soup I had one more beer and I sat at the table and just said… I will just sit back and hope. I will go home and I will plunge my hands into the soil of my backyard and I will garden to my little heart’s exhaustion and I will spend a year doing this. And I will hope to one day have a big dream again, but I won’t start until after this year.

And it will be okay. Both before and after I find and pursue said dream… whatever it is I will find to chase.

It was a VERY good beer.

It was all okay, and will be okay, after all.

And then, later, I picked up my friends. And we DID go and look at the house. And I stood on the roof and I gazed at the Mayan pyramid (to the sun god Kinich Ahau- I did that research ahead of time too) it overlooked and my friend’s husband (friend in his own right too, mind you) just turned to me and said: “If you ask my opinion… do not buy this shithole.”

And I had to laugh and just went… no. I won’t. Don’t worry.

it was a nice view though.

We swam in a cenote. And crisscrossed the Yucatan Peninsula together. Had good meals and good laughs and good talks and good days and good nights and good times. Our next place to stay was picked by my friend and it was spectacular where we had our own stand alone little villas, hidden away behind a simple exterior, and it was lovely. And did, come to find out, also have hot water.

Us in the cenote. Let me be clear that underwater balancing on the rope across it was not really the pose to have taken for posterity… but whatever. It was amazing.

After I dropped them off at the bus stop (they continued on to Cancun) I went to the Cultural Museum and the juxtaposition of Mayan artifacts in a Victorian mansion was interesting.

I loved the map showing just how many Mayan sites are in the Yucatan. They are not solely contained to Chichen Itza and Tulum ruins, they are literally everywhere. I loved that.

I was alone again, for this. But this time it was different.

Then I flew home.

And I am okay. And I learned so, so many things that I’d never say it wasn’t a successful trip. But wow was it not the trip I thought I was going to have. And this is okay! Deep in my bones this is okay.

Though I did keep saying… he isn’t here. Neither am I. And it was a little sad as is the way of things.

This too, is okay. Again I am reminded: I had it, it existed, and that is special.

And I still have it in a different way, and this too is special.

I will be okay.

On my return I was greeted by this one. Who stays gone for days and days when I am home. And yet when I am gone for a time he is always right there to greet me and sleep at my feet the very night of my return. You are back! He says, like it is special to his little cat self.

Hey cat, you know what? Maybe that is special. Thank you for the welcome.

I’ll take it.