Back.

I am finally back. It’s been a couple of weeks of funeral planning and funeral holding, family drama, unexpected caretaking, and sickness around here. In that order? Shit man, I don’t even know at this point.

Oh and lice. We once again had to treat for lice. I guess it wouldn’t be summer without it?

The spray and the comb in this set are garbage, but the creme rinse and combing gel are the only only only ones that work. Add it a few nights of diatomaceous earth sprinkled in the hair as well and we knocked it out in one go. And that sound you are hearing is me furiously knocking on wood.

It’s been two weeks- I continue to check but like… we’re good so far. We were all cleared up before we had to go out of town even… so I guess I have gratitude about that.

---

Funeral planning went well. For someone who pretty famously didn’t much get on with her mother in law, I was still asked to write the obituary, professional eulogy, and another eulogy last minute for my sister in law to read- (no way I was getting up there to do it myself). That’s… a lot of words I was asked to write, you know? I did it, and did it well, if I do say so myself.

My brother in law decided he would play 4 songs of my husband’s during the slideshow, in spite of me saying how hard that would be for me and the girls. He assured me we’d be fine and this was the way my husband got to say goodbye to his mom. He very much was telling me, not asking me. It was not up for debate.

And so that’s how I had to shake hands in a receiving line to my dead husband singing the last love song he ever wrote me. I absolutely disassociated through it. It was awful. The girls were excused and left the room in the first minute. My oldest only made it 10 seconds. I left after the receiving line was done, as they then played the slideshow for over an hour during the wake portion of the service. My brother in law apologized for how hard it was for us, afterwards. Said he just hadn’t thought it through. I appreciate the apology. We got through it, though I vehemently wish we hadn’t had to. It was awful in a way I am incapable of properly conveying.

Anyway. I’m well aware many awful things are survivable.

A big group of extended family went out for beers after the evening service and they all did still feel like family- this was a huge relief to me. I did get hit on by a distant relative who traveled in for the service and I just went: “Dude, no. I bought your Mom’s headstone.” And walked off. Did he know I was his second cousin’s widow? Or no? Which is worse, I wonder? There should be a rule about not hitting on anyone at a family event, you know? That should already be a rule.

I came back and a few days later wrote out the letter to my MIL to release any remaining anger and move it out of my system. It was 5 pages long. Felt good to get out and you know you’ve done it correctly when at the end it’s all gone and you can wish them well. I’ll burn it today and then… it will be in the past. I refuse to hang on to anger, it’s nice to give it up.

The planning and service was a huge mental and emotional and social drain. I feel like this weekend is, finally, my recovery time.

I’ll tell you one thing though- and in spite of how hard it all was- my ass looked great in that funeral dress.

So there is that.

---

---

I did another guided group meditation the weekend before the funeral. (Did I even talk about the last one I did? Can’t remember. If I hadn’t, this is the second one I’d done. This series is each based on the chakras- and explores basically the mind palace of each one, with the visuals you’re guided through.)

The first one was the root chakra and all about fundamentals of your own power, grounding, stability, etc.

This one was the sacral chakra and as it’s the seat of creativity, sexuality, pleasure, etc. I did wonder how fucking weird that was gonna get to explore in a group setting.

Surprisingly… was nothing weird or sexual. It was all about discovering your inner source of joy.

As we came out of the meditation, and were discussing it afterwards I said: “I think I forgot joy existed.” And it very much was the takeaway for me.

Something else that really became clear was a new concept around happiness: how just like grief has many emotions in it- it isn’t a monolith- so too does happiness have many emotions wrapped up in it. Grief is sorrow and loss and fear and regret and lonliness… and more. To heal grief you really have to pick all of those apart and understand each one.

And so when looked at the same way, you start to see that happiness is comprised of joy and pleasure and satisfaction and accomplishment and relief and freedom and connection and security and more. And so in the pursuit of happiness, it’s a different route to each of the component parts of happiness. You have to know them, to pursue real happiness.

This made me realize I have been chasing happiness this past year or so through pretty straight pursuit of satisfaction and accomplishment… and while they DO make me feel good… it is not joy. Painted floors and a completed to do list are satisfaction. Not joy.

There is a difference.

I had forgotten.

Or just maybe didn’t know to begin with?

And so, after that meditation I wanted the chance to step back, and really dive into exploring that. I didn’t get it, in the last two weeks, mind you. But I have it now, and so am spending some time on that. I am resolved to find joy again, in this life.

So it was quite a big realization.

And it feels like a bit of a mammoth task in front of me, now.

I try to not let it intimidate me.

---

---

My knee continues to be fine- I never did go back for that X-ray.

But it does mean I can take up night walks with Wilson again.

Wonder if that correctly conveys the heat? Even at night it’s hot here, but what of it- that is how Texas works. And somehow… it’s almost August already, even.

It’ll still be hot till November, mind you. But it will be fall-hot in another month or so. Not summer-hot. And somehow there very much is a difference.

It’s never too hot for a fire, though.

---

And I’m sure that came through this post… but my god I’m tired.

How much rest is needed here I wonder? I guess I’ll know it when I reach it.

Till next time.