Ahoy, ‘hoy.
Back from all the things.
It’s been a few weeks- with 8 days of it all being spent in New York as the girls had their sleep-away grief camp that my cousin’s kids also go to. They had a really good time out there. Growth was had by all- including their mother who knew they were safe and so didn’t fret about being apart from them or my oldest (who stayed home as she had classes starting- and having JUST been in New York on my dime, herself- I feel a need to say).
We fit a lot in- the children and then my cousin and I, once they were off.
And I turned 46. Which… that is just sad now. Birthdays in general, without Lucas. And doubly sad because I was never weird about getting older before; I loved my birthday.
I also really loved when the ratio shifted and I had spent more birthdays with Lucas than without him. I met him when I was 19 and turned twenty with him. When I turned 40 that was half my life spent with him. We were together 25 years and I was 44 when he died. I am now 46 and dreading that soon I’ll be faced with spending more of my life and birthdays without him again, than with him. So I’m kinda foot-dragging my way along to 48- which seems just around the bend, you know?
I don’t know.
My love often feels like a dream I woke up from, is all.
I did get this one thing on my birthday though. I found a random picture on my camera roll- a pocket pic of a heart, from the looks of it. Taken on the 17th.
I will take it, mind you. But I’ll also be sad. That’s just how things go now.
Also how clear are my fucking shorts, my god.
Of the museums I saw while in New York the MOMA was a star.
Weird to me they have so many Impressionists for it being the Museum of Modern Art- but that one floor is worth the whole cost, as far as I’m concerned. They have two of the very best Van Gogh’s and a number of Monet’s and Chagall’s. Also others.
The Klimt and the Stella above were my favorites. I realized I may not have any artistic taste at all honestly, and only like the color green.
This isn’t disproved by this trip’s camera roll, I’ll tell you that.
Of the other museums I saw that week the statue outside the National Museum of the American Indian was the part I enjoyed the most… and I distinctly don’t want to research it because it’s most likely racist.
But I’m going to be honest- that was a lame ass museum. Just not extensive enough. So much of the southwest not even represented… soooo many tribes not given their due. I don’t know. If you’re gonna call yourself the National Museum of something don’t just almost exclusively represent New York tribes, is all.
That statue though, amiright? (It’s the old commerce building and the statues on the corners are supposed to represent the 4 continents… they’re from another time for sure, but that is a pretty badass statue if we can just take it out of context.)
And then the Natural History Museum… and sure, I should have gone into that one understanding the extent of the taxidermy… but my god. So much taxidermy.
Also it did make me realize that my bear phobia is not a phobia, it’s just common sense. I didn’t really need to know the true scale of Kodiak bears as I was already never going to go to Alaska as it was, you know?
I did finally get to see one of the colossal Olmec heads I’ve always wanted to see. And the crystal room was amazing.
CAN I PET THAT DAWG?
Just let me touch it, you stupid glass!
I don’t know.
Does it surprise anyone or me that the museum I enjoyed the most was the one I was in with people I love and got to talk to while there? And the ones that I didn’t enjoy as much were ones I was alone in? I think fun must always be shared, is all. This is a theory I’ve brought up before, but for sure for me it is clear after this trip that fun is always a shared experience- enjoyment is where you top out at on your own. And yet my social battery runs out so fast these days too.
So that’s fun!
And that is true. Because I don’t want you to think I spent the whole time being solely sad or anything. I had a hell of a lot of fun and enjoyment and healing out of that trip and was still sad through just about the whole thing and this week that I’ve been home.
I contain multitudes, yo.
I was very much looking at the black water of the harbor and wondering if that was the way to escape house music, though. That’s almost 100% a joke. But goodness weren’t the city lights pretty?
That pic was from a house music dance party boat we went on. Which… new experience and I may have bitched a smidge leading up to it but scout’s honor I was totally down- even if it’s historically not my bag. I love people watching and I expected it to be good and was not proven wrong.
Shit was cool… until 5 minutes in to the 4 hour trip and I was standing in a beer line and the engines kicked on and I was positively CATAPULTED back to the last time I felt boat engines through the soles (souls) of my feet… and THAT was when I was on the boat to scatter my husband’s ashes.
So yeah. I spent about an hour to an hour and a half mentally berating my left eye for leaking tears out from under my sunglasses and myself for being my morose father’s daughter and struggling mightily to get a handle on myself.
I finally just gave up, went to the bathroom and just sobbed into my hands for 5 minutes and then I was through that mood and to the other side and able to pull myself together for the remaining two and a half hours of the trip.
I still didn’t spend it on the dance floor after getting a handle on myself, though. I was on the front of the boat, at that point just hanging out and looking at the lights by myself and drinking a beer, and honestly enjoying myself again even, when this huge dude asked if he could hide out with me. lol.
I had a nice, half hour conversation with a very sweet dude named Tony who had a nice set of shoulders on him. He liked my tattoos and showed me his. Which my god, what a trade: my cock-blocking forearm memorial ones and his which included a big cross (micro-expression: eww.). But I’ll take some city lights and conversation with an objectively attractive stranger, you know?
I had a bit of a hard time out there on that boat, but I did not have a bad time.
So there.
AM I LEARNING YOUR LESSONS WELL ENOUGH YET, UNIVERSE?
We went to Gettysburg too- which was fucking great. Enjoyed that little side quest with my favorite cousin.
We traded experiences we’d have probably never done on our own on this trip. He took me to the house party dance boat thing, and I took him to Gettysburg. Guess which of us is the cool cousin? GUESS.
Though please let me dissuade you from ever doing the Gettysburg ghost tour as it isn’t actually on the battlefield and we ended up standing behind a lot of garages in the town for unknown reasons. Y’all go to the Irish bar when you’re out there, though. 10 outta 10.
As for the battlefield the next day- that place is so well done and I feel like I have a handle of the where and the who and all that now. So that’s cool and was nice to finally get to do. And the memorials out there… Pennsylvania did it best- they win by a mile.
Alright, who’s the wise guy out here designing the most haunting fucking signage?
And now I’m back. With my own nice quiet cat (lol) and in my own bed. New York was good. And being back is also good.
And I continue to just try to claw some of the sadness aside, as I’ve been trying to do all month. Just me in this graceless, flailing battle against all the pesky, invisible cobwebs I walked into and which caught me by surprise. Maybe next year I won’t be so surprised by it. Maybe August is just full of griefiness, from here on out and I should plan on it. Or not? Nothing stays the same except change, after all…
Anyway.
To that end (of struggling to shake it off) I did a long evening of self care yesterday: stretching, meditating, hair treatment, detail cleaning my room, put on new sheets, journaling… and it was good and I didn’t wake up from nightmares this morning so that’s something… and I finally have time for all such things now that I’m not busy with all that pesky happiness and joy. A joke I really do wish was just a joke.
It’s still August for a few more days, I guess.
Indulge me.
I’ll leave you with some random screenshots I’ve taken recently and then call it a day.
the something garden 