A happy 2026 to ya.

We all did really well with the turning of the calendar this year. And the new year wasn’t as painful as last year- with the turning from a year where Lucas had existed into one he did not. This year that second part was also true, but I could carry it better. Also, nothing is truly gone, not him, not anything, and that has sunk into my bones now. It was all easier, even if parts of it were not easy.

It will never be okay that this all happened. But we will be alright.

Perhaps it is a new mantra.

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And I KNOW I had said last year that my only resolution was to see my Ebb Tide rose bloom again.

And while the rose struggled, I DID get roses out of it to enjoy this year- so count it.

I was never much for resolutions, really. And not even like resolutions have to be hard things, mind you.

My youngest’s resolution, after I shared this pic with her, is to do Fruit Adventures when we see something new at the at the grocery store. She has already wandered around all day gnawing on a foot long piece of sugarcane, so I’d say it’s going well. My resolution is to read a poem a day, and so far that’s been awesome, actually. But so there are the resolutions for this year, and my one tiny one from last year on the rose.

But I also did something else last year- I did the 12 magical nights ritual. In this you have 13 tasks/wishes… but they were not resolutions… not exactly. If you are unfamiliar with the TikTok/Instagram trend here it is laid out:

You sit and meditate and come up with 13 things you’d like to accomplish, buy, become, make, etc. in the next year. They should be a stretch, but all be things you personally could be responsible for- they can’t be things you want but could never actually make happen on your own. You then write them on individual pieces of paper, fold them up so you can’t see what is written on them, and put them all together in a bowl or jar or box. Over the course of 12 nights (some start on the solstice, some on Christmas… Some end on the new year and some overlap and run through Epiphany, etc etc) you draw one piece of paper and burn it, without unwrapping it. On the last night, after you burn the 12th piece of paper, you unfold the last remaining wish and that is the one you MUST make happen, and the understanding is that if you do that one all the others the Universe will help you accomplish. Please know they are NOT to be one per month goals, there is no order they must be done in, and they don’t have timelines… other than aiming to get them done by the end of the year.

So!

How’d it go for me? Let’s go through it one by one- and remember, this is for science, so be honest. (Princess Bride quote.) I scattered some pics and memes in there too.

Lesson numero uno before we get into that: Grief brain shouldn’t be the thing in charge of setting these intentions, lemme tell ya. I totally bit off more than I could chew. And so I did have to look up what to do when you decide later that you don’t want to do one or more of the wishes you wrote down- and ye ol’ Instagram tells me you’re supposed to re-burn the wish on a new piece of paper and say you’re releasing it back to the universe. I did that with three wishes.

The wishes I gave a big “what was I thinking” to were: buying a house in Mexico, doing a walking tour in Wales, and biking weekly & competing in a bike race.

I did in fact fly all the way to the Yucatan and read a whole book on how to move to Mexico, scheduled a viewing with a real estate agent, and made my friends come up from Belize and meet me to look at one particular property… but yeah. That one needed to not happen and didn’t.

For the next one I did buy a really good bike and I’ve taken it out a few times. But it has really illustrated how weak my thigh muscles are. Ever since I severely tore both of them at the same time (don’t recommend) while playing soccer, they have never really recovered- and that was 17 years ago, now. I worked for over a year to strengthen them with a trainer in 2023… and they continued to always shake and seize up.

Biking exacerbates this, and so I need to either accept my thighs are not strong enough for a lot of things, or I need to build them up more before I try this one again. Could I have pushed through and forced it? Maybe. But as that’s how I’d torn them in the first place I was loathe to do so this year. So this wish was sent back up to the ether from whence it came.

Also I needed to be realistic about how an 8 day walking tour in Wales was impossible when I had already burned through all my vacation days except 2 by mid April… so… yeah. That one got released too, for practical reasons. Besides, what I learned from being alone in Mexico for a couple of days is that I was not ready in 2025 to be alone alone in a new big place yet. I had not settled into the concept of “world is my home, as an individual” yet, and so solo travel in that state was excruciating and only highlighted how small and very alone I was. It was a wish for another year, but not for 2025.

That these three wishes needing to be taken off the list was okay and didn’t make me feel bad, though. All just data and trying things and if it didn’t go as planned that was okay. It was.

If we’re keeping track the Mexico House was wish 3, the biking & bike race was wish 6, and the walking tour was wish 7.

The next wishes I didn’t accomplish, to one extent/definition or another, but didn’t release from the list.

Wish 1: Turn Wilson into a good boy.

Why is that not a good wish? Because this dog fucking sucks, for one. (Don’t look at me like that- he’s scared of and growls at toddlers. He’s a total dick.) And two- how is it measurable? He isn’t trying to snap at me when I trim his mats off from behind his ears anymore, and he is much better behaved compared to when I got him. But is better the same as good? He’s improved by leaps and bounds, but I would never say of him right now that he’s a good dog or not the stupidest animal I’ve ever met. So… yeah.

But. I committed to walking with him nightly and that helps him, and legitimately helps me too. I committed to brushing him and training him and would I have done that without this wish? Maybe not. There has been benefit from it, I will say that. But it’s a lesson in making the measurable of the wish concrete, and also this dog being a good dog isn’t ENTIRELY in my control. Even Michelangelo couldn’t have carved the statue of David from jello.

Wish 8: Lose 30 pounds

I tracked my weight and calories and steps all year, cut back on drinking and carbs and desserts, and was the heaviest I’ve ever been by the end of August. I took this info to my endocrinologist in September and he put me on a medication to jumpstart my metabolism. (not a GLP1). I take that a couple of times per week and now eat a high protein breakfast daily and I lost 15 pounds and have kept it off since October. So I did a LOT of work and accomplished a great deal, but not exactly hit on the number I set out for. It’s still a win, but not exactly accomplished either as it’s only half of what I set for this one.

Would I have kept after it without it being one of these wishes? I think so.

Wish 10: Take Spanish 101

I DID take Spanish lessons, and thank GOD I did, honestly because I could piecemeal my way through a couple things while in Mexico in early spring… but it wasn’t Spanish 101. And after I got back from Mexico I didn’t pick it back up again.

I really am deeply troubled by learning another language as it couples the vestiges of my fear of looking stupid with my lack of memory for details… sigh. I find it all very uncomfortable, regardless of the language I’m trying to learn. It got worked on in 2025, but not accomplished.

And is the measurable taking the class, or learning the language… because those are two different things, right? So again, I learned on how to better phrase these goals moving forward.

Wish 11: Do a past life regression

Look. I have a VERY weird memory I’ve had since we lived in the house we moved away from when I was 4. (so I’m talking I have remembered this since I was a toddler. Hell… might be my first memory even.) This memory is of being a young man (20ish) and dying in a firefight, while kneeling behind rubble. I can taste the dust in this memory. The sounds are so loud, the sun is bright. I could pick the exact color of the stonework around me from a Pantone color book, it’s all so very, very vivid. If I look at it from the outside it all feels very WW1.

And so- what do I fucking care, at ALL, about being weird at this point? What a freedom to be released from the constraints of my own expectation of normal behavior for myself… and so I’m totally going to do a past life regression and see what it’s about, you know? Why the ever loving hell not? Also, I must say that meeting Lucas felt like finding him again, not meeting him, I knew who he was to his core from the moment I laid eyes on him, and I’m not sure how that works. And my insane fear of boats even from before I’d ever been on one? I don’t know. I really just do not know if there is something to that sort of stuff.

I did not do this one in 2025, but it IS scheduled for next Saturday. Soooo…. would that have happened if I hadn’t written it down here? I’m not sure it would have, honestly. (And rest assured I’ll write about how it goes, so stay tuned.) So… kinda accomplished? I scheduled it and paid for it in 2025 at least.

Wishes that DID get accomplished in 2025:

Wish 2: New carpet and bedroom painted

At the time I wrote that down I had no idea on the colors and didn’t really have the budget for it- and didn’t have the bathroom done yet even, so the thought of voluntarily signing up for more renovation work seemed crazy. And yet in September it felt right and I knew they were on this list… so I did both. And honestly both resulted in some pretty big grief breakthroughs I couldn’t have foreseen. Very much a win on this one.

Wish 5: Meditate 3 times a week or more.

Yes? I meditated a LOT and can guarantee it was more than twice weekly, that I’m sure of. This was GREAT for me and my mental stability, by a huge amount. But since I wasn’t tracking this I can’t guarantee I accomplished it or not. Last winter (January and February) and mid summer I fell off the meditation wagon… and then meditated 4 or more times per week all through this fall and early winter. All I know is I totally benefited from it and liked it. And scout’s honor I legitimately think I hit this one, so I’m counting it here, but I don’t have the data to be sure.

Would I have done that without it being one of these wishes? I think there is a good chance I kept climbing back on the wagon because I had this wish, but I know I meditate because I really love it though too, so it’s hard to say. Most meditations were guided, but I’m getting to a point where I can clear my head while listening to waves or pan flutes (cough cough* lame*) now too.

Wish 9: New shed and clean out storeroom

Fucking COUNT it with this big ass shed I got installed, even if it isn’t painted yet. And the storeroom is cleared out. I guarantee this would not have happened unless it was on this list, and it feels great that it is finally done.

Wish 12: Reset low areas on brick patio

I did this on December 30th and 31st and it ABSOLUTELY would not have been done without being on this list. It also felt like I was honoring Lucas, by taking care in repairing and maintaining something he put so much effort in. I learned a couple new skills and had a real sense of accomplishment at this. Classic me though, I did not take true before and after photos, but the low areas are reset and don’t pool water or have the weeds anymore, and the gaps between the bricks are back to being smaller. Also classic me I let it hang over me and felt anxious about it almost all year and then snuck it in under the wire. I also learned it was easier than I’d made it out to myself to seem. This felt very healing, in the days after Lucas’s birthday, to have this to work on- so I did feel like the timing on it worked out.

Wish 13: Alcohol 3 days a week or less

I spent about 8 months not holding myself to this but just recording the data around my alcohol consumption and seeing where I was at. There was absolutely no white knuckling on anything around this. But I woke up in the fall and just had zero desire to drink if it wasn’t socially anymore, and sometimes not even then. This was not accomplished for every individual week, but when tallied up it hits the goal right on the nose for the year. I am definitely healthier for this, and tracking it with a determined lack of judgment was the absolute key to change my habits. I doubt this would have been done without setting the intention like this though.

Wish 4 THE BIG ONE: Finish first draft of grief book

And so the one that was left unburned at the end of the ritual was this one. And it doesn’t mean that you do this one and all the others get done for you. What it means is you commit to this one and come hell or high water you ensure it gets done and then the universe is supposed to assist with the others. And so yes. This did get done. I now have 70,331 words written. That comes to 306 pages in how I have it spaced and sized. I have a concept of how to structure it and a title came to me recently as well.

I would have kept writing here and on and off on the grief writing before I set it as an intention, but I wouldn’t have been so dogged about it, I’m sure, if this hadn’t been THE THING I had to do before the year rolled over.

I am very proud of it.

I have been healed through it.

I am grateful.

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Does it seem like too much, 13 whole, big wishes? I tell you really and VERY clearly that having all of these to work on was a gift and not a burden. Humans need a mid-range goal; between what we want to do that week and what we want to do with our entire lives, hell even what we want to do that year. What modern society lacks are those mid-range goals for the seasons/ multi-month type goals. And I will say I really truly loved having them to work towards this year. And to have one resolution only and not accomplish it makes you feel like a failure… but look at ALLL I accomplished and yet my success rate was really just 5 out of 13 or 38%. But I’ll tell you right now it doesn’t matter because this feels like one of the most accomplished years of my life. I accomplished other things too during this year, not listed here even. It was all so good and healing and these set the tone for it.

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And so, would I do it again? Hell yeah I would, and already did. I’d like to think that I learned my lessons on better phrasing on the wishes but we shall see in early 2027.

And sure, it originates in a German tradition from way back that has to be done at certain specific times, and sure it’s called the 12 Magical Nights ritual. But don’t worry that you missed the window to do it in. Start now if you want. It is for you and so the details get to be made by you… you are the magic, as it were. But I would make a legitimate ritual around it- it does fix it in the brain and why not add some magic and whimsy into your life when and where you can? Damn sure no one else is gonna do it for you if you don’t.

And now a couple of memes and a pic of ‘Bama I couldn’t shoehorn into the post up there.

Here is wishing a very peaceful new year for you, and may your household be free of death for the whole year.

(I get the morbid Eastern European blessings now, I swear to god I do.)