Tag parenting

New Carpet and Cats being Trials Left and Right

Lauren 5 Comments

After how well I slept after the painting was done, you’d expect that to have ramped up even more after the carpet was installed, no? WE WERE ALL WRONG, MY GOD.

The new grey carpet feels amazing though, don’t ever let me convince you otherwise. And don’t mind Wilson looking sad… he was just confused as to why I was trying to get him to stand still.

Turns out I color matched the carpet to the cat too. So all that agonizing over the color and I could have made it way easier on myself and realized that earlier.

I went to bed the night after the carpet install feeling awesome and almost excited for a great night’s sleep… and it kicked me into some of the worst sleep I’ve ever had. I woke up every hour to my brain serving me horrible memories of grief and the last fight Lucas and I had, and memories of him heartbroken after his dad died… I’d say it was the worst night of my life but I definitely have one in there that beats it.

I finally got up and stayed up from 4am on because I simply could not bear the thought of facing another horrible memory served up on a silver platter. Some of which I had forgotten existed… so I also was kinda mad at the ol’ brain for reminding me of some of those.

The next night I had nightmares. Then a couple days of unsettling dreams followed. Also Wilson ran into my side table and knocked a glass of water over with his nose, and Asher missed when jumping on the other side table and knocked over the lamp and a plant…

I was like, is the new carpet cursed? Did they install 666sf or something, what the ACTUAL fuck is going on?

I didn’t actually think that, but I did start dreading going to sleep.

I am glad I mentioned it (talk about the silly stuff, no topic off limits) with my therapist. Because she said the animals were probably adjusting to not having any scent mapping in the room now, and it’s shocking how much their brains depend on those cues. And that, perhaps, it’s merely something similar to me. The old carpet did smell musty and a bit like dog. It was noticeable enough that I paid to change it, but also it was the grief den I found refuge in. So, perhaps, it being different dredged up some stuff. Ripping out the bottom of things in the room maybe did the same to the brain. Something.

It was interesting though- the animals didn’t bat an eye at the painting but Asher was freaked the hell OUT by the carpet removal and install. Granted it was like a crew of 5 guys in and out over 3 hours… but he was a mess.

This was him open mouth panting on the couch while that was going on. I tried to comfort him.

That was a mistake.

We all made it through, I GUESS.

Didn’t help to have had to clear out Lucas’s closet for this and then to move back in only a single pair of boots to the new floor in there. Probably played a role here.

A couple of days after the nightmares and bad sleep I then got INSANELY sick- I thought for sure it had to have been the flu or covid, but whatever it was made me sweat more in 30 minutes than I ever sweated before and then for my bones to hurt for 2 days and then for it all to pass as quickly as it came on. It was, she tells herself, not some mummy’s curse type thing from the carpet.

My aunt ran me over gatorade and a covid test (which was negative for flu and covid) and I just hunkered down and powered through the next 2 days.

The cats were back on their rockers and being nice by this point- and Asher especially is very attentive when I’m sick. I am glad he didn’t drop another dead mouse on me like when I had Covid last year. This year it was just a toy.

He can be nice when he wants to.

I am actively working to not BLAME THE CARPET here. This expensive ass carpet is the silkiest most amazing feeling carpeting ever, and it isn’t it’s fault that it dredged up so much unpleasantness. All of it was of course some bug going around (on the sickness part) and ye ol’ lizard brain in my head reacting negatively to changes in environment and it worked out.

I guess at this point I don’t even mind the unpleasantness I can prepare for, it’s the unexpected unpleasantness that’ll get ya, you know?

Anyway. All is well that ends well and I was starting to feel better a week after the carpet went in when Asher woke me up at 5:30am by dropping a LIVE BIRD on my face. I sleep with my mouth open. I think I know where he was aiming.

He caught the bird on the floor, scattering feathers ALL over the new carpet. I chucked him bodily out the back door (assuming the bird is dead at this point)… he ran right back in the cat-door in 0.3 seconds and let the bird go in the living room. The bird was not dead and possessed a truly incredible and endless supply of spare feathers. I am running after it when Asher catches it again and and I grab him by the scruff, open the front door this time, and pry his stupid jaws open and the wren (I can now see) just flies away like nothing happened. All of this was sans glasses, fyi.

Look how stupidly please with himself he was all day after that.

I hate to complain but I really, really do think I’m due for a motherfucking break at some point here.

Anyway.

A couple of days after THAT I go to the fair and it’s not as sad as it was last year without Lucas- as we loved the fair and went every year. It is still sad, mind you. But we went with friends so the youngest had someone to play with and I had friends (their moms) to talk to while the kids were on rides. “Takes a village” type of thing coming in clutch.

It’s dusty, hot, loud and jam packed with people and I still like it though usually I dislike any other combination of those things.

We all made it through that one too.

The older girls were there with friends, and we saw them off and on and then the 16 year old joined us for the last hour and it was just the 3 of us- the youngest’s friends and their moms left earlier than we did. (The oldest had gone earlier than we did and left earlier than we did.) And so it was just me waiting there for a couple of rides at the end of the night. That was okay this year though. We got some caramel apples and a funnel cake to bring home on our way out of the fair grounds.

It very much was my new mantra: It’ll never be okay. But we will be alright.

And we were.

What else can I share?

Writing nights are back to going well. I wrote 9 pages one night, 4 another, and 2 last night. It was a tight 2 though, I assure you.

Turns out I now prioritize good sleep and feeling great over a beer after gardening. This shit may ruin my life.

In place of beer some nights I have one of these, and they’re okay. Most of the adaptogen and such drinks are bullshit but this one legitimately has something in it in a super pleasant and subtle way and is 25 calories… big fan.

And finally, in a year almost completely devoid of butterflies we finally have some monarchs moving through and some swallowtails have shown up. And I have now bought over $20 in parsley plants to keep the huge crop of black swallowtail caterpillars sated as there were way too many on the bronze fennel for those two plants to sustain all of them. A worthy sacrifice of $20 and two nicely established bronze fennels, in my opinion.

And as always, some memes and whatnot to round it out.

Till next time.

I am very tired

Lauren 3 Comments

Mom’s memorial/celebration of life was this weekend.

Gorgeous venue with a stage and longhorns and horses, and beautiful hill country scenery. I did the portraits and handouts, and memory board, and… that’s like it I think? Aunts and uncles did food. Dad did the music. I have no pictures. It was a very nice send off with love from many more people than she ever would have thought, I bet.

I am not bitter or angry but neither am I mentally or emotionally destroyed by the whole thing.

I did my meditation thing I do with Lucas and asked him what I needed to make it through the day. So I visualized him in my mind’s eye, reached out a hand, and IMMEDIATELY saw him drop a Turkish glass evil eye charm in it.

I opened my eye and said “Well fuck you too, Mom. Jesus.” And then I went and got one of the ones I own and kept it in my pocket all night. Just in case.

I don’t know. I am too tired to pretend I haven’t spent the last decades protecting myself from her, so what’s one more day.

I did a reading dad wanted me to do. I wrote that she made me the best prom dress on the memory board. I cried once, briefly (for Lucas) and then dried my eyes and went back to trying to ensure I talked for a while with everyone that was there. I made sure the kids ate. I made it through.

Said prom dress along with the bluntest bob known to man.

But oh, it was draining, don’t let me pretend it wasn’t. I kept mishearing things all weekend. I was very tired each day when I woke up, all week. My house was clean each night. I didn’t exactly feel like myself, though I tried. I saw lots of people who I did really want to see. My cousin did my hair. I wore a new dress and cowboy boots. People were gentle with me.

I also talked to a friend of my Mom’s I SWEAR she told me had passed away. I talked to her and hugged her and a part of my mind just went: This is an alternate reality where Rosemary is alive and hearts are in the center of the chest instead of on the left side, and where its spelled Berenstain Bears and not Bernstein Bears and where Lucas is dead and not alive and that’s why all of this is happening and everything feels off and I’m trapped here now and save me Ashton Kutcher.

Or maybe I’m just forgetting some things and misremembering the others and we don’t make our own realities only out of the things we want.

One of the two.

And starting this week a neighbor is walking our dogs, again- they were getting up to no good and don’t thrive on me having no time for them- go figure. When my neighbor offered to walk them she texted: “Makes me wonder what destruction I’m causing when I don’t get exercise too.” And I just had to stare out into the mid-distance over a cup of coffee at that one for an almost unreasonably long time. And now the dogs are doing better. And it’s another thing off my plate. And they’ve stopped destroying things.

I’m either showing you the exhausted and contented dog or my clean carpets- I’m not 100% which. Wilson is so much bigger than the compact donut in that picture conveys.

Her service was Friday. Monday and Tuesday I did a conference for work and that ws surreal in it’s own way. I had competitors come and very gently and sweetly give me condolences. And former coworkers not know Lucas had died and I had to have that first conversation with them.

I had to listen to banter and hear the mayor say how important this industry is and the whole thing makes me want to scream and run for the hills and what I did instead was make it through and then cry on the way home, both days. It was tiring. And I don’t know what I’m doing with my life sometimes, is all. And unlike that one speaker, I DON’T think the work we do here means we alone will save the planet but neither do I not take any pride in it and the skills I’ve developed in the last 20 years doing it. The EPA wants my input on a project. If you insist, I guess.

In other news, I need to order more author proofs of the cookbook as the store here in town that is carrying them only has two left. I am very very proud of it- but like, in the distance and underwater… and like the ringing of a distant bell.

I unpacked the ofrenda stuff and I brought myself to pick a picture of Lucas for it and get it in a frame. I’m not putting Mom on it.

It takes about 4 hours to set up completely. Maybe today I’ll clear the front table off for it at least as shave 30 minutes off that time.

But mostly today I think I will go lie down in the hammock and pretend I am a lizard on a warm rock in the sun. And stay there for a decade or two.

And like that songwriter I still love once wrote:

“Tomorrow’s another day…

to try again”

The Zen of Parenting

Lauren 7 Comments

This is now almost a 3 year old post- but I repost it for those of you in the midst of babydom:

Parenting is so repetitive. I guess that seems obvious, but it isn’t just changing diapers ten times a day. Or how many times you shove a noodle arm into a long sleeve onesie and think “That’s it. I snapped it this time… oh whew! All fingers intact. Excellent.” It’s the sounds that really strike me as oppressively repetative.

Continue reading “The Zen of Parenting” →

Random

Lauren 4 Comments

Some random thoughts that can’t be fleshed out to full blog posts:

  • Goal for 2017 was to lose 10 lbs… only 15 to go!
  • The concept of taking no shit while not being an asshole about it is a knife edge to walk and might very well end up being my life’s work.
  • I often wonder if other adults still show up for appointments with toothpaste on their shirts. Or have such messy closets. Sometimes stuff like that can feel adolescent… but maybe it’s just human… I’m really not sure.
  • Somehow we ended up taking away the bottle, potty training, and taking the 2 year old out of her crib all at the same time. And by god- what felt like it would end in disaster has turned into the easiest transition on all of those. Third times a charm I guess? I think we as a society wait too late to potty train these days- we started at 25 months… you gotta start these toddlers before they hit the defiant stage- because early twos they still want to be super helpful.
  • What are we going to do with the extra $100 a month we now are saving on diapers? Buy all the food this growing toddler is sucking down… it’ll be a wash, methinks.
  • I should paint more. I should write more. I should cut and color my hair on a more frequent schedule. I should read more actual books. I should clean… I should I should I should I should. I should also probably stop beating myself up over it…
  • The girls were asking what the cats’ names would be if they didn’t have their current names. I suggested they all be named Stoppeeingonthebathmat.
  • The dog is scared of the fire alarm and now every time I cook he frantically jumps over the baby gate to get into the other side of the house. You freaking burn something ONE time around here…

 

 

 

Weeknight Dinner Chicken Piccata Plus

Lauren

Why the “Plus?” Because sure, this is a piccata in that it’s got a sauce of butter, lemon, and capers, but it also has tomatoes and green olives too, and if you think that’s weird well just you… hey! WAIT, okay? I promise it’s good! And it’s my 10 year old’s favorite meal! And her friends down the street who said they didn’t like olives liked it too! I PROMISE you need to give this one a shot.

olive-tree-1327733-1600x2400

Olive Tree. I was actually looking for an olive image to include here but I like this composition- think I’ll try to paint it… brb.

There is a lot of sauce in this one, so serve this with a nice big pile o’ carbs- I suggest rice, myself. But a bunch of crusty bread or maybe noodles would be good too. Not potatoes though, I can’t really see that.

And I was about to write “4 chicken breasts” in the ingredients, but honestly pretty soon that’d mean 10 pounds of meat! The size of these chicken breasts these days… I’d be terrified of what those chickens must actually look like if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve seen turkeys before. The truth is I usually just use two chicken breasts, pounded to ½ an inch thick and cut into 2 or 3 pieces each and it’ll feed my family of five with some left over. And that’s plenty because it’s not just the chicken breast sizes that have gotten out of hand; it’s our portion sizes too. A serving of meat should be the size of a deck of cards- not a file folder, and a bowl should hold about a cup of something, not those serving platters they give us in restaurants these days! Lord, I could talk forever on this one… it’ll be plenty and just round out your plate with a few carbs and a big salad. You’ll live longer for it. Promise.*

2-3 chicken breasts, pounded to 1/2in thick and cut into 2-3 pieces each
½ cup flour
1 lemon- juiced (reserve) and then slice peel into strips
1 Tablespoon capers
¼ cup good green olives, sliced (I buy whole olives in jars and slice myself. I like the pimento stuffed for this)
½ cup cherry tomatoes, halved
3 cloves garlic, crushed and rough chopped
1/2 cup chicken broth or mixture of ½ chicken broth and half white wine)
1 Tbsp butter
1 Tbsp olive oil
Salt
Black Pepper
Paprika
Fresh Flat Leaf Parsley, chopped

1 cup white rice or noodles, cooked separately. You should start on that before you start on the chicken.

Pound chicken to ½” and cut into reasonable serving sizes and season both sides with salt and pepper. Mix flour and paprika on a plate and dredge chicken on all sides, shaking off excess and set aside. Heat oil and butter over medium/high heat until hot. Add chicken pieces and brown on all sides, about 4 minutes per. Add garlic, tomatoes, capers and olives, cook for 1 minute. Add chicken broth or broth/wine mixture along with lemon juice and scrape up the brown bits from the bottom. Liquid should come up ½ to ¾ of the way up the chicken in the pan… add more if needed. Top chicken pieces with slices of lemon peel. Cover the pan and reduce heat. Simmer for 10-5 minutes or until chicken is done.

Serve over rice and pour plenty of sauce mixture over the chicken. Top with fresh parsley. And while you could eat the lemon peels I usually don’t. I do serve it on the plate though. It looks purdy.

 

*Promise of longer life contingent on no cave scuba diving.