I have issues with the common comparisons to food you run across on the “Your Baby This Week” calendars. I subscribe to three of those calendars because… shut up. That’s why. Those countdown calendars always compare the baby’s size to food and my issue with that is… it’s inconsistency. So last week the baby was a mango, but this week a carrot? One, there are literally no carrot shaped babies. And two, mangos seem bigger than carrots, right? And the week before they were a mango le infante was a bell pepper? I’ve seen some pretty big bell peppers… and unless I’m growing them myself I THINK they’re usually bigger than mangos. So forget the food comparisons. The bigger issue here is that food is inanimate… and babies are big time animate. So below is my pregnancy comparison calendar… to animals.

(I skip a ton of weeks because… shut up. That’s why.)

Week 1- 15: Puking, but nothing from the baby at this point in pregnancy. Wait, Salmonella. What does salmonella look like? That’s a pretty accurate comparison.

week 15: mouse. Did I feel something? I think I felt something! Check out my huge belly bump!

Week 18: Bat. LOT of flying around in there, but still not a lot of mass or strength. Still at the “Aww, cute- I feel the baby!” stage.

Week 24: Pissed off weasel. Why so pissed, baby? Why so pissed? And are weasels nocturnal? In this calendar they are.

Week 30: Stretching cat. Do cats get hiccups? Have bony elbows? Bat bladders around like a ball of yarn? Randomly run maniacally around the house at night? This week is totally a cat.

Week 40: American Alligator. You remember that image that went around the internet a few years ago of the anaconda that exploded trying to eat an alligator? Don’t think about that in week 40, no matter how fucking SPOT ON it is as a comparison. But this week the baby is an alligator because they mostly just hang out totally stationary just waiting to attack… just like babies waiting to be born.