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There is a kids’ story or two in here somewhere…

Lauren

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away… I remember helping my cousin Jennifer collect bugs  once for a school project. And now that I think of it- she was homeschooled so how the hell did that work? Anyway. I caught a huge red wasp in a tupperware container- and it beat against the lid like a drum. And there were a few beetles, maybe a June bug? All I remember is the wasp really (for obvious, scare the hell out of you reasons) and that I was SO good at catching bugs she put me in charge of the jar. (Gee… thanks? Is white-washing the fence fun too?) But anytime she would point out a butterfly I’d only pretend to try to catch it and shoo it away instead. At the end of the day we had enough bugs for her collection and not a single one was a butterfly. I was 10.

And today not only do I grow plants in my garden to attract and feed the adult butterflies I love so well, I grow host plants for their caterpillars to eat too. And while some of the caterpillars are cool, some really display the depth of my devotion because they… well they’re not cute. I have a key lime tree which is the host to my favorite butterfly, the Giant Swallowtail. Who’s caterpillar is basically bird poop. Think I’m kidding?

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Boom. Evolution is wonderfully specific at times.

And then that thing turns into this…

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My Precious!

And I really don’t know why the story was about an ugly duckling turning into a swan… because bird poop turning into a butterfly wins that competition ALL day long.

Insufferable Parenting… part 2

Lauren

So our seven year old had an idea for a summer job: she wanted to sell flowers around the neighborhood, and  I love it. She planted some zinnias, we already had a bunch of cosmos, and we let some self sown sunflowers go eight-foot-tall-nuts in the backyard. Saved some jars (caper jars are the best) and a business is born.

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And if my husband and I lose our jobs she’ll support the family with this… because she has not had anyone tell her no so far. I’ve never seen a more successful salesman!

We get to spend time together picking flowers and making arrangements. I’m teaching her about filler foliage (mint is the best, but fennel and germander are good too) and about proper proportions… it’s nice.

Nobody really wants lemonade made with grubby little hands and questionable food safety practices, but flowers… heck. The world could always use more flowers.

Recovery Day

Lauren 3 Comments

So. I just had my tubes tied yesterday… again. Which may I just say, hurts a hell of a lot more than they let on. To be totally honest, I didn’t have my tubes tied this time as much as I had them totally taken out (failed clips and all). “Look at me, I’m so svelte, I just lost 3 oz!” #pleasenomorefuckingbabies

Here are my pets- moral support and enthusiastic participants in a full day in bed next to me. Psst. One of you slackers go pick up that sock.

And I took NO painkillers with codeine this time. I did last time and I felt AWFUL for 3 days. I’m only taking Motrin this time (did after this last birth too) and I feel awesome. What the hell, doctors? Does codeine even work? Or does it just make you high? Is that the point? Because I hate it and it worked way worse for pain control and kept me up at night. #straightarrowstickinthemud

Anyhoo- maybe I’ll catch up on blogging. Or maybe I’ll just drink coffee and eat pineapple. And try not to keep seeing that the scars on my stomach now look like an upside down Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Ugh. Try unseeing that for the rest of your life… #I’mmyownRorchachetest

#whatthehellIhatehashtagswhyamIusingthem

 

Recipe Post- Shrimp Cakes

Lauren

A few tips and worthless info: Make sure you refrigerate these for an hour after you form them- otherwise they will fall apart on you. And serve with some jalapeño tarter sauce or green goddess sauce.  I’ll give you cliff note versions on those right here:

  • Jalapeño Tarter Sauce: Chop jalapeño, lemon, mayo, salt pepper. Capers. Don’t forget the capers.
  • Green Goddess Sauce:  Bunch of herbs (basil and parsley mostly). Yogurt. Lemon. Salt-y and pepper-y. Blender.

Also, this recipe calls for green onions. Or scallions. They’re the same thing, turns out, and I was an embarrassing age when realized that. Let’s just say it starts with “Twen” and ends with “ty-seven”. Oh, and coriander leaves and cilantro are the same thing. And cremini mushrooms are small portabella mushrooms. And… that’s all I can think of right now, actually. Wait- beet greens and Swiss chard are the same plant. There we go.

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And just to REALLY confuse things: this picture was titled “Spring Onion” -Image by Melanie Kuiper.  

1 lb. peeled and deveined US wild caught raw shrimp (large), roughly chopped*
1 large egg
2 green onions, sliced
2 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice
1 Tbsp. minced fresh cilantro
1/2 tsp. salt
½ tsp. of ground black pepper
1.5 cups seasoned breadcrumbs
Olive oil

Peel and devein shrimp and roughly chop (about 6 pieces out of each shrimp). Combine with next 7 ingredients and form into patties roughly three inches across, or slightly smaller than palm sized for me and about a half inch thick. Add more breadcrumbs if needed to hold together. Refrigerate for one hour prior to cooking. Heat olive oil in pan over medium heat. Sauté 4 cakes per pan. Cook for 2-3 minutes per side, until shrimp is cooked through.

*And look- I don’t want to make it a thing: but do NOT buy farmed shrimp . Anyone who goes: “Well these things can survive in filth and contamination- think of the profit!” DO NOT EAT THAT END PRODUCT.

Grilled Zucchini Salad

Lauren

Love, love, love, love, LOVE me some grilled zucchini salad. So easy. So good. Keeps well. Tasty warm or cold. And AWESOME with some turkey and cheese in a toasted sandwich! And a total piece of cake to make! In fact- WAY easier than an actual piece of cake- not to get all literal on you or anything. This is a very fresh side dish and is also great served with grilled chicken breasts or grilled shrimp over a bed of lettuce to make a main dish. Not all sides can make that transition (you mean ALL we’re having is cabbage? Huh.) but this one can step up to that plate easily. Look at me: I can puns. I’m leaving it there, though.

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Photo by: Zsuzsa N.K. You know how difficult it is to find a picture of zucchini that doesn’t look wildly inappropriate? 

 

Ingredients:

2 zucchinis, halved lengthwise

1 avocado, diced

1 medium tomato, diced

Handful of flat leaf parsley, chopped finely

Juice of half a lemon

Olive oil

Salt and pepper
Heat griddle pan to medium heat. Halve your zucchinis lengthwise, drizzle with olive oil and season with salt and pepper. Place zucchini on griddle pan, cut side down. Cook for about 3-4 minutes per side, you’re only looking for very light griddle marks and for them to still be firm, so keep an eye on them. Remove to another plate to cool. Dice your tomato, place in bowl, and sprinkle lightly with salt. Add the diced avocado and chopped parsley. Once zucchini is cooled, dice and add to the other ingredients. Add desired amount of olive oil and squeeze on the lemon juice. Add salt and pepper as desired to taste. I like to stir to the point the avocado JUST starts to break down and coat the other ingredients, but not so it’s completely broken down into a paste.

Jalapeño Ranch Dressing

Lauren

There will be no refunds on the future cookbook, folks. I mention this now because the first ingredient here is “store bought ranch dressing.”

This recipe is adapted from one at the country club where my husband was a bartender back in the day and ran the Martini Bar. I used to go and sit at the bar after a full nine hours working at a garden center and wait for him to get off work. I was always filthy, smelly, and sweaty and it gave me the utmost pleasure to see all the country club ladies look at me, then look at my husband, then back to me and get the most confused look on their stiff faces. What does he see in that filthy urchin and who let her in here? You’ll never know, ladies, you’ll never know. Except for the last part- I snuck in the side door. I guess I could have brought a change of clothes and some wet wipes, actually, but what’s the fun in that? Is talking about B.O .and filthy nails a good technique in a cookbook? I might have to rethink…well, everything.

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I have a salad dressing jar with a lid that I make this in, but you can make it in a large canning jar as well.

 

1.5 cups of store bought ranch dressing

¼ cup chopped cilantro

1/4 cup pickled jalapeno juice. The cans of pickled jalapenos from the ethnic section of any grocery store? Yup- that’s the stuff. Pour the juice right off the top.

 

Combine all ingredients. Shake to combine. Firmly close lid. Shake to combine.