The Feminine Mis-Speak

January 29, 2016December 8, 2018Lauren 1 Comment

I am a TOTAL feminist. I am a totally bad feminist.

I roll my eyes at pink camo and most pink clothing. Yet I totally SAY everyone can/should/ nay, MUST wear whatever the hell they want. So which is it? That indulging in pink overload is a personal choice or an example of someone blindly throwing themselves into cultural expectations of gender identity and handing their decision making abilities over to the patriarchy? Gah. You damn hypocrite, me.

I am a TOTAL feminist. I am a totally bad feminist.

I’m working on it…

Oddball Beliefs

January 24, 2016December 8, 2018Lauren 1 Comment

Below is a fairly random collection of oddball beliefs I have. Also. A picture of a squirrel.

Lullabies– everyone THINKS that lullabies are for babies to get them to calm down, but I believe they are really for OURSELVES to keep our calm in the face of incessantly crying infants. I mean- I didn’t sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow for 3 hours while walking my second up and down the driveway at 3am for her sake, you know? My default “parenting situation” song is Silent Night- because I realized I knew NO lullabies when my oldest was born, and found it totally gets the job done.

Bush’s black eye– so, y’all remember when president Bush supposedly choked on a pretzel and fell on a coffee table, thus giving himself a black eye? ‘Member? You ‘member. So President Bush and the first lady went on late night talk shows to tell the story, and TO THIS DAY my thoughts on the matter are: thou doth protest too much. I don’t buy it for a minute. Whether he went on a bender, or Cheney decked him… we’ll never know- but it sure as hell wasn’t a pretzel.

Pregnancy and litter boxes– So. Toxoplasmosis- can totally jack your baby up while you’re pregnant and so NO pregnant lady ever changes the litter box- doctor’s orders. But here’s the thing- if you were previously infected with toxoplasmosis, you’re fine (so is your baby). If you don’t have it, you’re fine. The only danger is if you get infected for the first time WHILE pregnant. So it’s actually less of a risk than it’s made out to be. Also- you can get the infection from pork- but does any doctor say to lay off pork chops? Nope. So I believe this is a big “YOU’RE WELCOME” from obstetricians to pregnant ladies everywhere. But I still never changed the litter box when I was pregnant… just to be safe. (also, I keep forgetting that I have the all clear to change the litter box now that I’ve delivered… bummer.)

Don’t let your dog walk in the door ahead of you– This one is backed up by Cesar Milan, but seriously. I am the boss here, dog. You wait your damn turn.

Potting Soil is dirt, but it is not dirty– I never get the plastic wrap to set pots of plants on in the back of my car because it seems wasteful and unnecessary. This drives my husband crazy, but I believe good clean potting soil doesn’t equate with dirt/filth.

Never fold underwear– because why. Just don’t waste the time. This I believe.

I’m sure there are more… but I got a waking baby over here so we’ll save the rest for the next time.

The Occasional Pregnancy Week by Week Comparison Calendar

October 18, 2015June 6, 2020Lauren

I have issues with the common comparisons to food you run across on the “Your Baby This Week” calendars. I subscribe to three of those calendars because… shut up. That’s why. Those countdown calendars always compare the baby’s size to food and my issue with that is… it’s inconsistency. So last week the baby was a mango, but this week a carrot? One, there are literally no carrot shaped babies. And two, mangos seem bigger than carrots, right? And the week before they were a mango le infante was a bell pepper? I’ve seen some pretty big bell peppers… and unless I’m growing them myself I THINK they’re usually bigger than mangos. So forget the food comparisons. The bigger issue here is that food is inanimate… and babies are big time animate. So below is my pregnancy comparison calendar… to animals.

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The Occasional Pregnancy Post

September 11, 2015December 9, 2018Lauren

So, I’m a day shy of 25 weeks pregnant which I’m sure is of MUCH greater interest to my husband and me than to any of you out there. But- since it’s been weighing on my mind (and sciatica! Hi-yo, pregnancy humor!) I figured I’d give a quick shout out to what I consider to be one of the positive and more unexpected of pregnancy side effects.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Is it boobs? Its boobs. I bet its boobs.” To which I reply a resounding NAY! Screw these damn things! As far as I’m concerned these things are not supposed to meet in the middle and I can’t wait to go back to the day when they’re as distant from each other as pissed off neighbors. No, that is not the beneficial side effect of which I speak! I speak of the blessing of…

THE NESTING INSTINCT! Hell yeah does that jacking of hormonal levels rock! Order out of chaos! The joy of a job well done! Clean-y, clean-y, clean-y!

Pillows not perfectly aligned? Rumpled comforter? Corners not in a hospital tuck?! What the hell is this shit?

I tried to explain to my husband a bit about this a while back, before I exactly realized what it was. He’s recently gone back to work after a hiatus to raise our girls and get his Master’s degree, and so I’ve picked up a lot of the chores around the house he used to do in an effort to make things easier for him. And after a week or so of this I told him if I’d known I could be so happy just taking care of the girls and keeping a clean house that maybe I should have been a housewife YEARS ago! To which I got a guarded side-eye and almost imperceptible backing away slowly while he said he THOUGHT it was probably just the nesting instinct kicking in. Damn. He’s right.

Don’t get me wrong, I like order and a clean house in normal times and have been known to make a bed before I crawl in it for the night. I also live by the mantra that an orderly house equates to an orderly mind. And the fact that clutter and being surrounded by stuff makes me crazy- the more you own, the more that owns you, you dig? But lately that tendency… well let’s just say ours goes to 11, as Nigel put it.

And it isn’t like I should have been surprised by this. With my first daughter I was up on a ladder washing the outside of the windows on our rental house on my due date. And that was months after I got up at 2am to clean the fridge that one time…

Whatever. I’ll take the perks where I can get them and ride these crazy hormones as far as I can- because waking up at 2am to pee is for the birds, let me tell ya.

The Occasional Birthday Post… Why a Duck?

August 17, 2015December 8, 2018Lauren 2 Comments

So, it’s my birthday today, I’m 36 years old. ( are people still weird about saying how old they are? Why is that a thing? Why a fuck? That’s what I want to know…)

And so to celebrate, I figured why not share a very famous snippet from one of my very favorite movies: Coconuts by the Marx Brothers from 1929. I started watching Marx Brothers movies with my Dad, oh, doing the math here, about 28 years ago; and now my husband and I play the Marx Brothers’ Marathon every New Years’ Eve- thanks TCM!

The thing about the Marx Brothers that I’ve always loved is they’re so rapid fire and so witty- that even after close to 30 years of watching it I still found jokes in the script below that I’ve missed all these past decades. So without further delay:

Why a Duck?

Groucho: (after a pause) The next time I see you, remind me not to talk with you, will you? It’s gonna be a cinch explaining the rest of this thing to you, I can see that.

Chico: I catch on quick.

Groucho: That’s a rodeo you’re thinking of. All right, Einstein, here’s Coconut Manor. No matter what you say, this is Coconut Manor. Here’s Coconut Manor, here’s Coconut Heights, that’s a swamp, and over here where the road forks is called Coconut Junction.

Chico: Where do you have coconut custard?

Groucho: That’s on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife, so you don’t have to worry about that. Here’s the main road leading out of Coconut Manor. That’s the road I wish you were on. Now over here is going to be an eye and ear hospital. That’s going to be a sight for sore eyes. Understand?

Chico: Yeah, that’s fine.

Groucho: Now, right over here is the residential section.

Chico: Oh, people live there, eh?

Groucho: No, that’s the stockyard. Now all along here is the riverfront. All along the river, those are all levies.

Chico: That’s the Jewish neighborhood?

Groucho: (after a pause)Why don’t we pass over that. You’re a peach, boy. Now here is a little peninsula, and over here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: Why a duck?

Groucho: (after a pause)I’m fine, how are you? I said this is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: All right, why a duck?

Groucho: I say that’s a viaduct.

Chico: All right, why a duck? Why a duck? Why not a chicken?

Groucho: Well, I don’t know why not a chicken. I’m a stranger here myself. I know that’s a viaduct. You try to cross over there on a chicken and you’ll find out why a duck.

Chico: But why-

Groucho: It’s deep water, that’s why a duck. Look here, suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and you wanted to ford over. But you can’t. It’s too deep.

Chico: What would you want with a Ford when you got a horse?

Groucho: (after a pause)Well, I’m sorry the matter came up. I just know that that’s a viaduct.

Chico: Listen. I catch on to why a horse, why a chicken, why a this, why a that, but I don’t catch on to why a duck.

Groucho: I was only fooling. I was only fooling. They’re going to build a tunnel there in the morning. Is that clear to you?

Chico: Yes, everything except for why a duck.

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Singing…”Happy, happy birthday to me… happy birthday to me… and to you”

(Happy Birthday to Me- Cracker)

AND- just realized this is my 36th blog post- how fortuitous!

The Occasional New Post After a Few Months Delay…

August 7, 2015June 6, 2020Lauren 2 Comments

So… forgive your poor blogger over here for my extended hiatus- my husband and I were handed a bit of a head spinner that took up a lot of our time recently. And then I seemed to think that my blogging delay was getting too long for just a casual post to be my return and that I should come back with a REALLY deserving post. And then I’d built up the expectations of it and so never got around to actually writing it- until now. (“It’s going to be better than 10 Super-Bowls! I don’t want to oversell it… judge for yourselves!”- Yes. This post is Poochey… and that’s okay.)

So, here’s the deal. Turns out my husband and I are expecting our third daughter! Yes, there was such a delay in posting this news here that we already know the gender!

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