Category Humor

Interview with my five year old… about me

Lauren

noelle's interview

Interviewing a five year old about her Mom is just the greatest thing ever. This was from my daughter’s school last year… and I love it!

*Yup totally 25. Thanks, kid!

*Takes a village to cover these roots these days… but yeah, still blonde-ish.

*For work- I sell construction materials. Sometimes I bring customers cupcakes. Sometimes I don’t get to all my planned stops and have cupcakes at the end of the day. Those occasional leftover cupcakes are the only thing my daughter sees from my job… therefore that makes me a cupcake delivery person! I wonder what she thinks the hardhat in the car is for?

*My favorite hobby IS sleeping. Nailed it.

*Fly that nerd-flag for Mommy!

*See? My family thinks I’m funny.

*And I’ll keep hugging you and your sister forever, little one. Never fear.

Talking in My Sleep

Lauren 2 Comments

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So, turns out I have had somniloquy, also known as sleep talking, on and off for… pretty much ever. (And how cool is the word somniloquy? Right up there with slumber and credenza.)

I’ve been doing it since I was quite young. I remember the look on my Mom’s face when she tried to wake me up once when I was in high school and I angrily tried to convince her about something having to do with the baseboards… that I was totally calling sparrows. There was angry and emphatic pointing accompanying this as well. Come to think about it that’s not a good example- that’s one of the times I STARTED talking in my sleep and then quasi-woke up in the middle of it. I got told to go back to sleep. Immediately.

A better example is from the night before I was supposed to give a presentation on yellow roses. My husband (hot ass boyfriend at the time) shook me awake… after I’d given the entire presentation in my sleep. I’d like to think it was interesting enough that he waited till the end to wake me and not that he was frozen in horror because it was some horrifyingly surreal Dahli shit at 2am. He married me after that, but then he used to like Dahli too… My husband says it’s usually work related and surprising how clear and conversational it is- so this isn’t incoherent mumbling we’re talking about.

How do I feel about it? Shrugging acceptance? What are you gonna do, you know? I have as little control over it as I do over the fact that my mouth falls open the second I fall asleep on a plane. Actually, I DO have more control over the sleep talking- because it only seems to happen when I’m stressed and over tired. The gape mouthed horror in seat 23D… nothing I can do about that chick.

And I TOTALLY used to pretend I also had sleep walking in my youth. If I got caught up at night, I’d just mumble and shuffle back to my room and when Mom would tell me about it the next day I’d pretend I had no idea what she was talking about. Because I legitimately talked in my sleep the fact that I’d also be a sleepwalker seemed eminently plausible to her. So thanks, somniloquy- many an X-men was read by the light over the kitchen sink without fear because you provided me a solid alibi.

Oh! And I also still fall asleep holding books. As in… all the time. My husband has quite the collection of pictures of this. Sleep related fun!

Random Word Post: Checkpoint

Lauren 2 Comments

I found a random word generator and only had to scroll through 18 words before I picked “checkpoint” as the word of the day. Some of the others I can remember were: bloke, dolphin, national, and solitary. Sounds like the makings of a Nicolas Cage movie, doesn’t it?

Long-line-in-the-sand

Checkpoint

I go through checkpoints quite often. They are near, but not on the border- does everyone know that? The checkpoints are about 50 miles (total guess there. Could be 20, could be 70… I’m bad at measuring for belts too.) from the US Mexico border. So make note of that, paperwork lacking new immigrants!

So, in the past when I’ve gone through a checkpoint with my husband and family we get asked “US citizens? Where are you heading? Where did you visit? etc.” Really boring and soul killing stuff to have to ask every single car on an 8 hour shift, when you think about it. Poor Border Patrol agents… their lives are nowhere near as exciting as all the recruitment billboards make it seem. But in the past two years I’ve been going through them alone as I travel the border region for work. And, without exception, I just get waved through. Every time. And I am irate about this!

Does my British Isles ancestry make me seem non threatening? Ever heard of the IRA, fuckers? It makes me want to become a super villain (please note-I already have a long haired white cat so I’m all set) just to laugh maniacally at being so thoroughly discounted by multiple border guards in the past. And then I have to sigh and just accept the fact that I am no international woman of mystery over here… I am a middle aged mom of two with shoulder length hair who votes regularly and that the only things I do maniacally are weed my garden and listen to NPR. Oh wait- that’s manically- damn!

And every single time they wave me through I think: “I gotta start running coke.”

Business Travel Children’s Stories: The Denver Bunnies in Bed

Lauren 2 Comments

The Denver Bunnies in Bed

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“Boy, this sure is weird snow, Creampuff.”

“I know, Sweetie Pie! It’s not cold on my paws, or wet… and it tastes TERRIBLE!”

Mom and Dad said: “Bunnies! Stop chewing on the blanket! This isn’t snow, it’s a bed- this is where you’re going to sleep from now on!”

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“Uh, wait. Are you telling me I don’t have to sleep outside in the snow anymore?”

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“And are you telling me I don’t have to shiver all night long and worry about being eaten by a bobcat or owl any more?”

“Yes bunnies, that is EXACTLY what we’re saying.”

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“Hooray! Bunny Rabbit high five!”

“Time to go to sleep then! I think we’re going to like all this “bed” and “blanket” and “pillow” stuff a whole lot!”

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“Ummm, bunnies? You’re doing it wrong…”

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“Oh. Okay, so it’s supposed to be like this?”

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“Nope, I like it better the other way. Good night, Creampuff!”

Creampuff said: “Dude. Not okay.”

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“I’ll sleep waaaaay over here, Sweetie Pie, if you are going to sleep like that! Goodnight!”

And the little bunnies slept warm and safe for the first time ever.

Business Travel Children’s Stories… The Denver Bunnies

Lauren

So as I’ve mentioned before, ad nauseum- we were in Denver recently and will be moving there soon. I travel a lot for work but on this last business trip to Denver I didn’t have to go slowly stir crazy waiting to get home to my family because, wonder of wonders, my husband got to come with me! We were gone for 6 days… and terrible though it is- I forgot to bring my girls’ stuffed animals to write some stories about. So… an origin story is in order for 2 new friends. And let me just say, we drive our oldest INSANE because we won’t tell her where we actually got these toys, we just keep telling her we found them in downtown Denver. (We actually bought them in a Walgreens- happy, kid?) So my husband, Tim Duncan and I make guest appearances here.

The Denver Bunnies

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“Life sure is hard out here, living in downtown Denver, isn’t it Sweetie Pie?”

“It sure is, Creampuff. We’re cold all the time. We never know when we’re going to eat next. And it’s so lonely!”

“Well Hello there tiny bunnies! What are your names?”

2

“I’m Creampuff, sir, and this is my friend Sweetie Pie.”

“It sure does seem like you have a hard life out here, am I right? How would you like to come live with us? I have two beautiful daughters that I know would take good care of you!”

The bunnies didn’t have to think twice.

“Oh can we really?! We’ll be good pets for your daughters, sir- we promise! You’re doing us such a huge favor- is there anything we can do for you in return to show you our thanks?”

The man said: “Now that you mention it, there is: Do you know where we can watch the Spurs basketball game? My wife and I don’t know our way around your city.”

Sweetie Pie thought for a second and then pointed down the street.

3

“Sure thing, sir. You’re going to go down two blocks (It should take you… oh about 10,000 bunny hops to get there.) Once you get there you’ll want to jump on the huge shuttle monster and go down 6 stops. Then walk past the tasty shrubs we like to chew on till you get to the pine tree we sleep under when it’s warmer. There should be a place to watch basketball around the corner from there.”

“Thanks, Sweetie Pie! Good thing you’re coming with us though, just in case we get lost!”

Then the nice man’s wife picked them up and said:

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“It’s a pleasure to meet you, bunnies! Sweetie Pie, I know our oldest daughter Lily will LOVE for you to be her pet. Here, hop in my pocket and warm up! And Creampuff, there is no way our youngest daughter Noelle wouldn’t love to have you! Hop in my other pocket and get cozy!”

The bunnies settled into the pockets- warm for the first time in months. They were going to love this new life!

Later…

6

“So this is basketball, huh, Creampuff?” I like it- look! It’s Tim Duncan- he’s my favorite!”

“Yup. I like it too, Sweetie Pie! Though MY favorite player is that Tony Parker guy.”

Lily and Noelle’s Mom and Dad smiled down at them when the heard what the bunnies had said. They knew they had picked the PERFECT bunnies for their daughters!

So… totally going to make this a regular feature. Because frankly… blog content gets thin sometimes and I have a ton of these.  Because I hope it does some good in the world.

In the Denver Museum

Lauren

Soo… HUGE collection of Pre-Columbian artwork in the Denver Museum… just mind bogglingly massive. Like there was some hoarder of all this stuff who died in Denver and no one knew what to do with it all and they gave it to the museum.

And in the middle of this mass of ancient artifacts is one thing that really caught my eye: this rare snake shaped pot. It’s very small (about 6″ tall and wide) and the opening is on the other side from the picture below. The way it’s designed makes it seem like it had to be hung on a peg… and been impossible to keep clean…anyway.

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Up close, it is just the cutest little thing ever.

But from more than 4 feet away and I feel like someone in Central America, 1,200 years ago, is punking me… because it is JUST like you’re looking at a pile of dog poop in a glass case on the 4th floor of a museum.

Denver

Lauren 1 Comment

I recently took a new job (which- let me just say: Love it. Would have quit the old one sooner if I’d known you could enjoy a job this much) and we’ll be relocating to Denver this summer. Which sounds big, and is… but it’s so much easier than I thought it’d be too. It reminds me a bit of the feeling I had when I met my husband. It was so easy to accept the fact that my life, in the moment of meeting him, was going to change completely- fundamentally and permanently. I knew all of that looking into his eyes all those years ago… and it was so easy to accept, be excited about, and welcome in my life. My life was never going to be the same again- it was an amazing feeling.

And now, again- this is a huge change. Moving across the country changes not just my life, but my husband’s, my daughters’, my family in Texas… so it’s big. But it also is surprisingly easy to accept and welcome. My husband and I are in Denver this week- I’m working, he’s applying at school districts, and we’re house hunting. Plus fitting in as much fun as we can.

408325513_Denver_Big_Blue_Bear

Anyway, so this bear is outside of the convention center right around the corner from the hotel we’re staying at in downtown Denver- and it may be one of the best known pieces of art in the city. I love it- it makes me smile. And outdoor art… there is a lot of it in this city, which I both like and was a bit surprised by. And it’s all pretty good- not pretentious stuff like Austin has.

Ugh- seriously, let’s talk about Austin for a second. Austin is as over praised as Breaking Bad, bacon, Starbuck’s bitter-ass coffee, and Andy Warhol are. Seriously- why are those all put on a pedestal? It’s baffling to me. Having lived in Austin and gone to school there I can easily say- give me San Antonio any day. Or Denver. I’ll totally take Denver too.